UCPD Saves Day, Drives around Block

UCPD officers heroically drove around the block yesterday, according to multiple eyewitness statements.

One witness praised when asked for comment: “Yeah, they just make me feel safe. I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. I had to walk from Max P to the Reynolds Club at 11:30 in the morning by myself yesterday, and I was pretty nervous, but I was put at ease by the six UCPD cruisers I saw on my way over. I’m just so thankful for everything they do!”

This is not the first time that UCPD has driven around the block. Many students have reported increased sightings in the past few weeks, possibly due to the recent influx of first-years who do not know what the fuck is going on. In fact, a Campus Life study found that the average UCPD cruiser will drive in circles around campus enough to circle the equator, not once, but three times. 

In an effort to increase the efficiency of driving around the block, Eric M. Heath, Associate VP for Safety & Security at the University of Chicago, confirmed in an email that UCPD offers will be equipped with tasers from now on. The email states: “As part of our commitment to maintaining safety, UCPD will begin to equip officers with tasers in the coming days; there will be restrictive policies governing any potential use. We at the office of Safety and Security firmly believe that the possession of tasers will provide UCPD officers with the necessary equipment to continue driving around in circles.”

An unnamed UCPD officer offered while looking down at his phone to presumably check for suspicious activity in the area: “We just do what needs to be done. It’s really the least we can — oh, fuck, sorry, hang on a second, I’m about to make it to Candy Canyon.”