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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Lifestyle

    Five Ass Tattoos You Won’t Regret

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic April 23, 2016 1. An Outline of a Hheart- Turn your own ass into a dry-erase board of love!. Ask your lover to write in their initials with sharpie, and…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Canadians Glad Justin Trudeau Distracts from their Small Population and Cold Climate

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape April 23, 2016 Though he has been in office for over five months now, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau continues to make waves through his embrace of social change and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Inspiring: This Major League Baseball Player Uses Drugs That Make Him Play Worse

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg April 23, 2016 When I was a kid, I used to love baseball. Yessir, my ideal Friday was not ‘nt playing board games or running outside, it wasbut watching a…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Off-Ocean Program Brings Whales to UChicago

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson April 23, 2016 DueAnnouncing to a new shared initiative between the SHAMU (Society for Humans Meeting Animal Undergraduates) University of Chicago and the Marine Biological Lab in Woods Hole Massachusetts,Saint…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Sexual Experimentation Fails Peer Review

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck and Reed Thurston April 23, 2016 A controversial study submitted to the New England Journal of Medicine was officially rejected for publication this past weekend following peer review. “Butt Stuff:…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Wiggles Pull Music from Spotify in Show of Solidarity with Taylor Swift

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Levin April 23, 2016 In a public announcement Monday, The Wiggles announced that they have decided to remove all of their music from Spotify to show solidarity with Taylor Swift and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Bouncing Leg Up and Down Shows No Sign of Stopping

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley April 23, 2016 SourcesStudents in Professor Pierce Jackson’s SOSC 113 class informed confirmed that fellow studenttThe Dealer that student Graham Larson began bouncing his right leg up and down at…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    10 Other Places The African Civ Study Abroad Program Could Be Based

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison April 25, 2016 On April 26, the Chicago Maroon reported that beginning in Winter 2018, the University will offer an African Civilizations program in Dakar, Senegal. At the April 15th…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    10 Species That Are Almost Horses

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman April 26, 2016 1. Zebras. With their famous black and white stripes, Zebras are essentially angsty, different colored horses. 2. Alpacas. These Peruvian beasts of burden are South America’s horse.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tragedy! Area Student Finishes Her Drink Before the Rest of Her Meal

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley April 26, 2016 In an event that can only be described as a tragedy, area student Sarah McDowell finished her drink while she was only halfway through her meal. The…

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Read It and Weep

  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex
  • Union Army Morale Skyrockets After President Lincoln’s Stunning Kazoo Solo
  • New Whig Political Party Objectively Has Stupidest Name
  • This Snake Oil Stuff Is So Good! Really Delicious You Should Try It I’m Climbing The Walls

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