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May 26, 2015
According to insider reports, 35-year old Gregory Sheppard, who recently dined at an Olive Garden restaurant with his girlfriend, experienced intense feelings of regret and loss when he glanced over at a nearby table and saw another man begin to consume a spicy steak sandwich.
“Oh man,” Sheppard commented, while watching his fellow patron ingesting the daily special, of which he was previously unaware. “That looks really good.”
“Do you see that?” Sheppard asked his disinterested girlfriend, who was viewing the Snapchat application on her phone. He continued, despite her lack of response: “I definitely should’ve gotten that instead of the salmon burger.”
Although Sheppard attempted to shake off his dissatisfaction, the Best Buy Manager and father of two fell into an increasingly somber mood during the rest of his dining experience. “I just didn’t know it was an option,” Sheppard explained, gloomily inserting a handful of French fries into his mouth. “Who knows how much happier I might have been, had I made a different choice?”
“I hate this salmon burger,” he added, while grimacing and attempting to hold back tears. “I hate it so goddamn much.”
Experts postulate that Greg will require years of therapy in order to free himself from this source of profound alienation and overcome his fixation on the past. Meanwhile, the Dealer has been having a fascinating Snapchat exchange with Greg’s girlfriend, who goes by the username “SamiiiiB.” At press time, the Dealer sent Sami an image of themselves making a silly face accompanied by the text “lol greg is so lame” and a poopface emoji.
