News in Brief: October 16, 2014

By Chicago Shady Dealer

Nov. 19, 2014

President Zimmer Seeks Word to Describe the University’s Approach to Education

Sources close to the Office of the President reported Friday that Robert J. Zimmer, in preparing his speech for this month’s Convocation ceremony, was “tirelessly pursuing” the perfect adjective to describe the University of Chicago’s aims of education.

Receptionist Bridget Allen told the Dealer that she was surprised to see the President in his office when she arrived at work Monday morning.

“Bob must have had eight separate thesauri on his desk, each one heavily annotated. I got the impression he had been cooped up in there all weekend,” she said.

The President’s zeal is apparently straining his relationships with his co-workers. Vice President Derek Douglas recounted that, during a routine finance meeting on Thursday afternoon, Zimmer “leapt from his seat and stormed out of the room, loudly repeating the word ‘assiduous.’”

At press time, Zimmer had apparently selected the adjective “rigorous.”

House Culture Now Visible Under Microscope

Cathey House R.A. and third-year Biology major Nicholas MacManaman announced Wednesday that the house culture he has been growing in a petri dish in the lounge is now visible at only 100x magnification.

“To control the bacteria’s exposure to light, I painted the windows of our lounge with dogmatic assertions of Cathey House’s superiority over all other houses,” he said.

“The little guys grew in a nutrient broth—the chicken broth I heat up for our intimate nightly study breaks. I also took them to an apple orchard to increase their oxygen exposure. And I founded a cult of personality centered around our namesake Arley D. Cathey, whose worshipers ritualistically genuflect before the petri dish,” MacManaman added.

MacManaman now plans to cultivate a passionate hatred of Wendt House in a neighboring petri dish.

Student Health Services Declares Epidemic

A spokesman for the Student Health Services issued a statement Tuesday declaring a university-wide epidemic of false modesty.

“Due to inadequate sanitation, this University is rapidly becoming a bacteria cafeteria. And we all know what grows in warm, moist places such as Bartlett or the palms of undergraduates—unicellular organisms spraying a plague of false modesty!” said a representative from the University Student Health Services.

According to the statement, the symptoms of false modesty include “making comments that seem humble or even self-deprecating, but are meant to elicit praise from the conversational partner. Patients may also experience dizziness, diarrhea, and phlegm.”

If you believe someone you know is infected, you are advised to remind him or her that Miley Cyrus was Hannah Montana at just twelve years old.

When pressed for further comment, Student Health Services declined, saying, “We’re just not as good at dealing with the media as we are at saving lives.”