Federal Judge Really Taking This One to Heart

By Daniel Moattar

Nov. 13, 2014

Look, Your Honor. I’m not making excuses for what I did. I just think you’re riding me a little hard. It’s been almost a month since the spate of criminal activity in regards to which I appear before you now. I’ve had a lot of time to consider my actions since then. And I can tell you unequivocally: Yes, everyone at that zoo would still be alive if I hadn’t done what I did. But here’s the thing, friendo. I’m no jailhouse lawyer, but I do know the Fourth Amendment: Thou shalt forgive. And the Fifth Amendment: Thou shalt honor the Sabbath day and keep it holy. And the Ninth Amendment, the retention of rights not enumerated in the Constitution by the people.

I can see from the disgusted curl of your lip that you’re not feeling so sympathetic today. Please, remember the words of Rabbi Akiva: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. In this case, I think that means a lax approach to what is, frankly, a stifling letter of the law.

Right now, you seem ready to drop two or more years on me like it’s just no big thing. Your Honor – as George Harrison once said, why not “Let It Be”?

Yes, I did hear what the D.A. said.

Yes, the tigers, the bears, the children, the parents, the uncles and aunts, the in-laws, the ibex, the wildebeest, even the humble moose. The second cousins and the Guatemalan beaded lizards, the Cornelian be-horned pachyderms. They all deserved to live. On the other hand, you’re really riding my ass here.

I mean, excuse my French, but look me in the eye, buddy. Tell me I deserve this. Okay. But I know you know I didn’t mean anything by it. And you know this isn’t something to throw my life away over. Why add one more lost future to the still-growing, smoldering pile? Plus, I’m important to the company I work for. I don’t think they could do without me for the six to twelve months my attorney wants, let alone the twenty-five years without possibility of parole the prosecution is asking for.

I think you’ve gotten to be kind of a moralist in your old age, to be honest, and I don’t know if that befits a federal circuit court judge.

In closing, just crawl out of my ass, Your Honor. Damn.