Chicago Shady Dealer

Dealer Exclusive: An Interview with Paul Alivisatos

The Dealer sat down for an exclusive interview with newly-inaugurated President Paul Alivisatos. In doing so, the Dealer has become the only student publication to gain access to the elusive campus giant. (The Maroon could not.)

 

So, Paul, we’re excited to have you with us. Let us be the first to congratulate you on the new posting. We’re sure this is the start of a defining chapter in the University’s history.

Alivisatos: Despite my tyrociny, I shan’t be inveigled by your panegyric blandishments.

 

Okay. Well. Anyway. Let’s start this interview off: what is your first priority as president?

Alivisatos: Concurrent to my abalienation, I have descried a certain perfidious ossification. I will destroy it, lest it benight my domain.

 

Um, okay. What do you say to those who say that classes are subjective, and that your grade depends more on your teacher than your effort or abilities?

Alivisatos: Alas, the callithumpian masses who seek to obviate the status quo during my transitional quiescence are not only insagacious, but positively pusillanimous obturates.

 

I’m sorry, I know we’re only two questions in, but I’m not sure I can do this. Do you always talk like this?

Alivisatos: Sirrah, I apologize if my sapience vexes you. I hope I can propitiate you, despite my peccadillos.

 

Okay, that’s a bit better, I guess, if barely so. Sirrah? Why have you reverted back to a feudal vocabulary?

Alivisatos: Verily, do not confuse my inchoate improvidence with imperiousness. As they said in my favorite novel, Infinite Jest

 

You know what, I can’t do this anymore. I’m sure you’ll fit in fine, but I can’t do this. I’m out. This is too much. Have a good life.

Alivisatos: Refrain from floccinaucinihilipilificating my sesquipedalianism… [At this point, we walked out, but he continued talking for hours, presumably to himself.]

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