Evidence Suggest Shady Dealer Staff Innocent

By Daniel Moattar

May 14, 2014

The editorial staff of The Chicago Shady Dealer is innocent, the balance of evidence suggests. The evidence, which is largely circumstantial, hinges on an unprovable assertion that the high-caliber satirical magazine’s entire editorial staff was located behind the Logan Center for the Arts between 10:50 and 11:30 p.m., when the guy was last seen by a friend.

A bloodied shovel labelled with the name, address, and Social Security Number of Chicago Shady Dealer Editor-in-Chief James Ekstrom could have been acquired “any old way,” said Chicago Shady Dealer Editor-in-Chief James Ekstrom. “Sure, I own a shovel. Lots of people own a shovel.” Knowledgeable sources have likewise attributed the discovery bullets stenciled with the name of every Shady Dealer staff writer to coincidence. “Yeah, my piece disappeared last week,” said cherubic, sweet-faced Chicago Shady Dealer managing editor Matthew Goldenberg. “It was hot, so I didn’t make any noise with the five-o.”

Tell-tale tracks of mud on his remaining foot suggest the guy, who didn’t even have any family, probably tripped and fell into a ditch full of bullets. The Chicago Police Department’s Forensics Unit, universally derided as America’s most incompetent, concedes that its analysis is “preliminary.”

“They’re clearly [innocent],” alleged Chicago Police Department Captain Charles “Chuck” Powers at a press conference. “In fact, this is one of the most blatantly [misleading] cases we’ve seen in some time. Even our most seasoned homicide detectives were shocked by the brutality [with which The Shady Dealer’s staff was falsely accused].”

Said Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel, “The staff of this so-called publication obviously–“ We’re out of room! Well, until next year – Editorial StaffThe Chicago Shady Dealer