Eight Helpful Tips for Couples Trying to Start a Family

By Evan Bernstein

Feb. 1, 2015

BIRMINGHAM, 1898 – Children are miracles of life and they bring joy to the world. It’s no wonder they’re in such high demand. Everywhere you look it seems like everyone is having kids! But don’t worry if you’re having some trouble; having a child is actually harder than it looks. If you’re struggling to conceive, these 8 tips are sure to help you create the child you so desperately crave!

1. Intercourse

It’s a little known fact that sexual intercourse, the act of defiling a once-pure woman, is actually highly correlated with having children. A study in Victorian Weekly has shown that men who desecrated their spouse were four times as likely to have a child borne to them.

2. Sheep’s Blood

It’s a little known fact that sheep’s blood, the blood from a sheep, is actually highly correlated with having children. A study in Victorian Weekly has shown that men who smeared the blood of a sheep on their brides were six times as likely to conceive a child.

3. Prayer

Prolonged, focused prayer is a great way to show God that you’re ready to be a parent. Once you get on your knees, you’ve made the first step towards bringing life into the world.

4. Leave It In

Just leave it in for a while. Explore the space. See how it feels. Feel how it’s warm.

5. Wine

Wine is a super sexy way to get in the mood. Drink lots and lots of wine before and after lying on top of your partner and crying out in the moonlight.

6. Chanting

Although critics may decry chanting as the poor man’s smelling salts, it’s actually been proven to increase the chances of reproducing by up to fifty percent. It’s best if both partners chant in unison, but for more conservative couples, it is okay if the woman is unconscious.

7. Kisses

If you don’t make kisses, how can you do anything else? You have to kiss. You have to. It’s part of it. Super necessary. Even if you don’t want to, just do it anyway. Do kissing.

8. Rosemary

It’s a little known fact that rosemary, the perennial herb, is actually highly correlated with having children. A study in Victorian Weekly has shown that men who put a bit of rosemary in between them and their sex-recipients were forty times more likely to get a baby than non-rosemary users.

Just follow those 8 easy tips and you’ll be cradling a child in no time! Read tomorrow’s column for 12 simple ways to avoid dying in childbirth. (Spoiler alert: you can’t!)