Betty White Celebrates 200 Years With Birthday Bash

By Dan Lastres

Feb. 2, 2015

HOLLYWOOD Jan. 17, 2122

Hollywood’s brightest stars gathered last Sunday for a week-long celebration of Betty White’s 200th birthday, in what was described as “the happenenist, slammenest” party of the millennium. The guest list read like the ultimate who’s who of Hollywood. It included the surviving co-stars from White’s last film, 13 Going On 130, and famed rapper-musician Southeast West, grandchild of last- century rap superstar Kanye West.

A logistical wet dream, the party touted a 300 million bitcoin budget, a dinner menu prepared by celebrity chef Mario Robati, and a fly-by by Playboy’s Resort Zeppelin, which had its entire fleet of sex androids in tow. The first night featured a live performance from Keith Richards and the temporarily reanimated 20th century rapper Tupac Shakur.

On the last day of the party, White was showered with the most posh, chic, and lavish gifts to ever change hands. They included a chocolate fountain retrofitted to spew molten gold at perfect bathing temperature, an offering of three younger, prettier comedians to help White sustain her life force, and a pretty cool mix tape from her friend Jake.

Inside sources report that over the course of the party, local police were called three times – twice for noise complaints and once to resuscitate the birthday girl. They also divulged that White fanned rumors she’ll be starring in the upcoming film No Country for Old Women. The party will undoubtedly go down in history as the greatest celebration of a life lived to the fullest and way beyond that.

Though no members of the press were allowed through the event’s force field, guests leaving the party claimed that White “seemed to be having the time of her life” and “was still alive the whole time.”