Ariana Grande Add/Drops Pete Davidson

By Diego Matamoros

Oct. 15, 2018

After weeks of sleepless nights, emotional highs and lows, and one pet pig, the predictions of her academic advisor finally came to fruition: pop star Ariana Grande has reportedly add/dropped SNL cast member Pete Davidson.

In true third week fashion, Ariana has chosen to relieve her schedule of Davidson, despite claims earlier in the quarter that she could handle the extra commitment and had already had similar relationships in high school.

“Yeah, sure, maybe I haven’t been engaged before, but I’ve dated other guys with tattoos, so what’s the big difference? Potato, potato; Big Sean, Pete Davidson,” she said not two weeks ago, trying to compare two things that were not at all the same thing.

Fast forward a fortnight and the stresses of the quarter system around which the entire universe revolves have made themselves apparent to Ms. Grande. “Oh god, I can’t believe I wrote an entire song called ‘Pete Davidson.’ Who did I think I was? I’m not some kind of all-powerful deity! I didn’t even go to Stuyvesant! That won’t show up on my transcript, right!?” the Grammy nominated superstar anxiously asked whoever would listen.

“Well, at least it’s over now”, she went on to say. “At least I realized all this before it was too late and Add/Drop ended, or else I might have been stuck with that guy for 3 more months at least! I guess God really is a woman!”

However, Ariana’s 131 million Instagram followers–and other people close to the couple–are largely devastated. That being said, there are those who are unsurprised by the turn of events. For example, the Dealer spoke with one academic advising officer who had this to say: “CALLED IT! Boyer and I had a bet going on that this wouldn’t last past Add/Drop! John, you better hand over all that Ariana Grande merch! How do you like ‘dem apples?”

We should note however that Davidson, with characteristic Big Dick Energy wants you and all your friends to know that he add/dropped her. Sure you did Pete, sure you did.

No matter who dropped who, though, one thing is for sure: now that “Grandeson” [pronounced: Grandson] is over, love truly is dead.

Have a great third week!