Washington, D.C., 1860 Citizens across the country have expressed concern that a proposed single-payer healthcare system would limit their choice of which breeder supplies their medical leeches. The proposed reforms, informally dubbed LeechCare, would use tax revenue to provide medicinal leeches for all American citizens and may force patients to change their family’s leech provider as the nation’s healthcare system is restructured. “My family has been buying leeches from the same man for ten years. I know him, I trust him, and I’ve seen the bog where he gets his leeches. The idea that the government would force us to get our leeches from any breeder they please is ridiculous…

Chicago, 1997 In breaking news, the Shady Dealer is sorry to report the death of Dean Boyer’s Tamagotchi Habsburg, also known as “Habsy”. Habsy was in the “Teen” stage of the Tamagotchi Life Cycle and was five days, six hours, seven minutes, and thirty-six seconds old at the time of his passing. We joined Dean Boyer, still in mourning, for a wistful afternoon walk on the quad. Dressed in all black, Boyer’s mustache started to quiver as he looked up at the autumnal trees covering our path. “I supposed it is fitting that Habsy had to die now, as the dead, browned leaves fall at our feet.” Boyer’s eyes followed…

By Daniel Betancourt Oct. 16, 2012 NEW YORK, N.Y. — Academy Award-winning screenwriter Aaron Sorkin announced last week the launch of his new television, Aaron Sorkin, to air Fridays on NBC in the 2012-2013 season. Starring Aaron Sorkin as Aaron Sorkin, Aaron Sorkin will feature Sorkin, on a stool, sharing with the audience his opinions on campaign finance, Republicans, gay marriage, Sex in the City, the incompetent barista who sometimes wears glasses from the Starbucks near his office, and whatever else he happens to be thinking everyone is wrong about. “”The world today is just a mess,”” said Sorkin, continuing that “the youngest generation isn’’t nearly intelligent or informed enough…

By Daniel Moattar Oct. 20, 2012 CHICAGO, I.L. — Researchers at Northwestern University’s Department of Planetary Sciences announced the discovery of water in the Chicago River, confirming results of two years of battery toxicity screenings meant to analyze the chemical makeup of the city’s main quasi-liquid thoroughfare. Bioassay results suggest that the remaining water, present at a concentration of roughly twelve parts per million, is outstripped by the river’s presence of mercury, still undiscovered species of bacteria, and freebase cocaine. “Fieldwork in geology is rarely this hazardous,” said Paul Alessi, principal investigator of the Northwestern team. “As a matter of fact, a grad student of mine, Richard Fentworth, was nearly dragged…

By Hannah Gitlin Oct. 21, 2012 It’’s dinnertime in the Powell household. Steven and Gwen Powell, and their children Anna, 17, and Sarah, 15, are seated around the dinner table. The family dog, Toby, is in the other room begging for scraps through Facebook Messenger. The most recent message reads, ““chicken chicken chicken chicken plzzzzzz!!!!!!”” “”He learned how to use Facebook about a week ago,”” says Steven Powell, a history teacher at a local high school. “”Ever since then he’’s been a nightmare.” Toby is a 2-year-old Bichon Frisé. Bichons are hypoallergenic, good with kids and other dogs, and, according to the Powell family, “shouldn’’t be allowed to use Facebook.”…

By Walker King Oct. 21, 2012 Tragedy struck the University of Chicago last week when the entire class of 2016 drowned in a series of freak accidents across the Chicago area. School officials have attributed the death of every entering first-year in the College to the abolition of a swimming test for entering students, a longstanding tradition abandoned this year with little explanation. “Oh, jeez. We really didn’t see this coming,” said Dean of the College John Boyer, in a press release. “Our bad on this one, seriously.” Students across the campus are in shock at the sudden and unpredictable turn of events. “I was just walking to the Reg…

By Hannah Gitlin Oct. 21, 2012 Residents of the University of Chicago’s International House were caught off guard last week when a Christopher Malone stumbled up to the door of the stately building — which, at any given time, might host statesmen, authors, and other notable figures from across the world— and demanded an order of chocolate chip waffles with “lots of syrup, maybe the kind that’s blue or red also… yeah, the red syrup ” University of Chicago student and International House resident Jack Francis told the Dealer, “This kind of stuff happens all the time. Really, a few times a week, there are intoxicated people rummaging around the…

By Hannah Gitlin Oct. 21, 2012 Students at the University of Chicago were surprised when, on October 5th, University alumnus Arley D. Cathey, Ph.B ’50, acquired the naming rights to Eric Greene, a second-year public policy major from Columbus, Ohio. Now the former Mr. Greene, now the Arley D. Cathey Recipient of Higher Education, can usually be found playing a game of pick-up Ultimate on the quads, “chilling with [his] bros,” or studying in the reading room of the same name. “I guess it came as a bit of a surprise,” said the Arley D. Cathey Recipient of Higher Education. “I’m used to people calling me Eric, but money talks.”…

By Walker King Oct. 21, 2012 For years, people have doubted me when I told themBarack Obama’s shocking secret: he is the Antichrist described in the Book of Revelations, a King of ancient Rome restored to power and seeking to enslave all of humanity under the reign of evil. But now that I finally have a chance to spread the word in the newspaper, I’ll be able to show them all. Let’s look at everything that Obama has in common with the Antichrist. First, as outlined in Daniel 7:8, he will rise from obscurity. Obama came from the greatest obscurity of all, Kenya! Next, the Antichrist will have “no regard…

By Sam Spiegel Oct. 21, 2012 The Diffident Tree Shrew, contrary to what its name implies, is neither diffident, nor tree-dwelling, nora shrew. A member of the mountain tortoise family, the diffident tree shrew (DTS) likes to make its home in underground burrows near sweet water rivers and is actually quite opinionated. The diet of the DTS consists mainly of amphibians who spend more time in the water than on land. If it eats a land-based amphibian, it will develop severe stomach pains. Scholars believe that this quirk in its diet is the result of water-amphibians (better known as aquaphibians) being composed of nearly 99% water, and thus going down…