Chicago Shady Dealer

Boyer Heartbroken Over Death of His Tamagotchi

Chicago, 1997

In breaking news, the Shady Dealer is sorry to report the death of Dean Boyer’s Tamagotchi Habsburg, also known as “Habsy”. Habsy was in the “Teen” stage of the Tamagotchi Life Cycle and was five days, six hours, seven minutes, and thirty-six seconds old at the time of his passing. We joined Dean Boyer, still in mourning, for a wistful afternoon walk on the quad. Dressed in all black, Boyer’s mustache started to quiver as he looked up at the autumnal trees covering our path.

“I supposed it is fitting that Habsy had to die now, as the dead, browned leaves fall at our feet.” Boyer’s eyes followed the leaves as they fell to the ground. He turned away to hide his tears but failed to mask the quaking heaves of his sobs.

“We’re all so relieved this happened,” an anonymous source told the Dealer. “He hasn’t done any work in weeks. He can’t go five minutes without looking at that plastic egg. It’s key chained to his belt loop. He thinks he’s being subtle by looking at it under the desk! I know he has tenure, but goddamn. At least show up to your classes with a syllabus.”

“I would rather perish than publish if that meant I could bring my little Habsy-Babsy back to life,” Boyer choked out between bouts of crying. “You should have seen him, writhing around in a sea of his own pixelated shit. There was nothing I could do but watch him die!”

“That is simply not true,” University President Sonnenschein told the Dealer. “He doted on the little guy way too much, gave him too many snacks. That ups the Hunger and Happy Meters but results in a bellyache and too much excrement. Any self respecting academic knows how to clean it up, but Boyer didn’t. This is the 22nd Tamagotchi he has lost to his own incompetence. He should be ashamed of himself. ”

When the Dealer asked Boyer what he misses the most about Habsy XXII, he told us it was the intoxicating, overwhelming sense of control he had over every aspect of Habsy’s life.

“I felt like a god, I tell you, a god! The power to give life and then snatch it away at any moment… Yes. That is the highest high I will ever experience.” Boyer said, with a glimmer in his eye not seen since before Habsy’s untimely demise.

Boyer took the Tamagotchi off his belt loop and held it up close to his face, the image of a spaceship flying Habsy’s corpse back to his home planet reflected on his glasses.

Boyer whispered into his hand. “Take me with you, Habsy. Take me far away from here. I am so tired of this high definition world and these high definition students. Is it the ’90s on your planet too? I sure hope not.” After a moment of reflection, Boyer looked up and spoke to our reporters directly. “Make sure you get this on record. I will never forget the years I had with Habs. I will never forget the ’90s. Never!” And with that proclamation, Boyer threw his Tamagotchi into Botany Pond, laying Hapsburg XXII at his final resting place.