Chicago Shady Dealer

Natural Explorations with Nigel Pennington: The Diffident Tree Shrew

By Sam Spiegel
Oct. 21, 2012

The Diffident Tree Shrew, contrary to what its name implies, is neither diffident, nor tree-dwelling, nora shrew. A member of the mountain tortoise family, the diffident tree shrew (DTS) likes to make its home in underground burrows near sweet water rivers and is actually quite opinionated.

The diet of the DTS consists mainly of amphibians who spend more time in the water than on land. If it eats a land-based amphibian, it will develop severe stomach pains. Scholars believe that this quirk in its diet is the result of water-amphibians (better known as aquaphibians) being composed of nearly 99% water, and thus going down as smoothly as a baby’s bottom. Coincidentally the DTS specifically savors the meat of young aquaphibians.

When not eating, the DTS can be found sleeping in its burrow, or arguing with other DTS’s. Its sleeping quarters tend to be decorated in a tasteful, Edwardian style, with a hint of post-modern influence.

The argumentative nature of the DTS is believed to be the result of the fact that they are always picked on when younger. To compensate for physical deficiencies, they come to believe that they are superior to everyone else intellectually, and thushave the only valid opinion. The DTS will never back down, even in the face of obvious logical fallacies in argument.

If you are in the wild and have the misfortune to encounter one of these beasts, your best option is to stand completely still and not engage in conversation with it, at all costs. Even a polite conversation about the weather will inevitably devolve into an inane argument that you have no hope of winning. It is best to just ignore it, and not fall for any of its tricks. For example, it may ask you if you happened to catch the latest episode of The Office, which in a few short steps can turn into inter-animal fisticuffs.