ICE Deports Jesus Christ
In a statement released to Newsmax, OAN, and the Shady Dealer, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem announced that ICE had deported a “vagrant, wandering beggar” next to a church in Minneapolis.
The individual, according to Noem, posed a “considerable threat.” In her press conference, Noem described the man as “malnourished in body but as dangerous as Bin Laden.”
She continued: “The man was approached by Border Patrol and refused to answer their questions regarding the location of the Holy Grail. As he turned around to face our brave soldiers—I mean, agents, the man was seen with a weapon composed of wooden sticks shaped like a T.”
President Trump addressed the news in a post on Truth Social: “This HORRIBLE man REFUSED to comply with our tremendous soldiers, who have been unfairly treated by the liars in the media. He was a domestic terrorist who NEVER should have been allowed to be on the street. Tampon Tim, which people tell me has caught on, is a DISASTER. Messing with the United States of America under Donald J. Trump is NOT an Option. Enjoy El Salvador, Jesús . Thank you for your attention to this matter! – DJT”
Police reports confirmed that Jesús C. was deported to El Salvador yesterday, though the Dealer, after consulting library records dating back several thousand years, deduced that El Salvador is not the man’s home country.
Reached for comment, Jesús C. said he held no grudge against the men who had arrested and deported him, adding, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy; blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
Trump, in a subsequent press conference, called the deported man’s remarks “SAD bullshit,” questioning why people “care what this loser has to say.”
Televangelist Kenneth Copeland seconded the president: “God himself told me that this Jesús C. guy was a menace. Let us thank the Lord that our glorious leader has rid this great nation of a sick, sick man.”
Chase Teichholz
Chase Teichholz is a dim-witted zounderkite. He is pompous enough to research Victorian insults to describe himself, and also, in making it about himself, is a selfish prick. Does Chase have anything positive to say about himself? I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Though, given I am Chase, probably not. Where's the fun in that? A potential historical comparison to Chase might be Hannibal Hamlin, save for Mr. Hamlin's exceedingly good looks.
