Trump claims to have discovered “Constitution 2” allowing him to do whatever he wants
WASHINGTON, D.C—In a recent press conference, President Trump stirred considerable controversy with his claim to have discovered a so-called Constitution 2.
“It lets me do whatever I want, basically,” the president said. “Nobody ever talks about it. Constitution 2. It’s an incredible thing.” He described having stumbled upon the document during a recent stroll on the roof of the White House. “It was just sitting there—can you believe that? Sitting right there on that—on that really great, beautiful roof. One of the greatest roofs in the world, believe it or not, anybody will tell you, the White House roof. And I know roofs. Constitution 2. Boy, isn’t that something? Really, it’s something that we’re looking at and something that, frankly, is a very big, beautiful thing.”
Trump told reporters that the newly uncovered Constitution gave the president broad powers—“but only if he’s a Republican”—including deploying the National Guard anywhere in the country, unilaterally setting tariff rates to “numbers you haven’t even heard of,” and ordering the construction of golf courses on federal lands for any reason.
When asked to comment on whether his administration would be allowing members of Congress, the press, or the American public to see this new Constitution, Trump simply glowered at the CBS News reporter until the journalist said, “Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. I was a naughty boy for asking, sir.”
Legal scholars and historians who spoke with the Dealer greeted Trump’s claims with skepticism, noting that there has never previously been any indication of such a document’s existence. “But if he says he’s got it, idk,” said one anonymous academic. “Lol.”
House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, a Democrat of New York, frowned emphatically upon learning of the president’s claims. “Let’s just say it’s not every day I frown to this extent,” he said.
In a post on Truth Social Wednesday evening, the president finally shared what he claimed was a photo of Constitution 2 but which was instead a seemingly AI-generated image of a document labeled Couniision.
Griffin is co-editor-in-chief for this paper, and was born early in the morning.
