New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist

UChicago’s new printing software is raising awareness of the state of the environment by showing each student a breakdown of their carbon footprint. In each report, the printing software shows the number of Kilowatt hours of energy used on your print, the percentage of a tree you set fire to, and grams of carbon dioxide you emitted right into an underprivileged elementary school. Each statistic is detailed in a report sent out to the last Environmental Protection Agency employee left, and she’s really disappointed in you. 

The Dealer interviewed the new printing software, PaperCut MF (PaperCut, MotherFucker). “That SOSC assignment? The one that’s only a few pages? BAM! That’s 0.0003% of a REAL TREE, you MONSTER!” 

Greta Thunberg weighed in on the sharp uptick in tree murder coming from the UChicago campus. “How do you sleep at night? Oh I know! On single-use plastic sheets.” 

First year student Kat Egory-Fivehurricane apologized profusely for printing out the thing that her professor told her to print out. “I’m so sorry, I am the worst human being in the world. And it charged me for color!” 

PaperCut MF continued its statement: “From what I’ve seen, this campus is solely responsible for all of climate change. I bet you all just love feeding turtles plastic straws, and pushing baby polar bears off ice caps.”

The University has not commented on the situation, but they are in talks to block these statistics from student accounts. This is mostly due to the sudden uptick in Regenstein Library meltdowns, specifically from those declared in any of the environmental science programs. 

The Dealer reached out to several wise old trees for comment, but these efforts have garnered no response, for all the wise old trees are dead. That’s also your fault.