Donald Trump Comes Out as Serbian Nationalist, Returns Kosovo to Serbia within 15 Days
BELGRADE – In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the international community, President Donald Trump has come out as a proud Serbian nationalist and announced a new executive order aimed at restoring Serbian control over Kosovo.
“Ever since I was a little kid, so little, I always dreamt of visiting the city of Kragujevac,” Trump said in a televised address to the nation on Thursday. “It’s a beautiful city, the food is great, the women are great. My wife Melania once made me a pljeskavica, it was the greatest food I ever experienced. Since I was ten, my biggest dream was to restore Serbia to its former glory. I love Serbia, it’s the greatest country in Europe and the world. I am already in the process of changing my name to Dusan Trampovic, and by signing this executive order, Kosovo will return to its rightful owners once again–it’s gonna be glorious. KOSOVO JE SRBIJA!!!”
The new executive order, “Restoring Kosovo to its Rightful Owners for the Glory of Serbia” withdraws all US troops by the end of day on Friday, with the goal of forcing NATO to withdraw all its troops in five days, and returning Kosovo to Serbia within fifteen days. In addition, the executive order mandates the demolition and replacement of the statue of former President Bill Clinton in Pristina with an even bigger statue of Trump, while Albanians in the region will be deported to Albania, and current Kosovar President Albin Kurti will be executed on live television.
Following this executive order, thousands of Serbians celebrated in Belgrade’s central square. In the meantime, Serbian President Aleksandar Vucic declared that Serbia will start the process for accession to NATO. On the other hand, Albania announced that it will abandon the alliance with the United States and restore Enver Hoxha to the presidency for life.
Vivian Psylos
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