God Finally Finishes Book

By Gus Schiff (1200 B.C.)

Jan. 24, 2014

Humanity has eagerly awaited God’s book, 50 Shades of Yahweh, since it was announced nearly 3000 years ago. But the world might not want to get its hopes up yet thoughyet, as sources tell us the book has gone through major changes during the trimillennial incubation period. One of the biggest changes, according to editor Moses, is the name. “Yeah,” explains Moses. “He wasn’t feeling the original title. It’s just called Book now.” Asked about other changes in Book, Moses said the original draft “just didn’t convey the right message… Honestly, He set out to write a self-help book. Fashion and diet tips—that kind of stuff.”

The change has garnered criticism from local tribes, especially from women of post-childbearing age. These women, aged 25 and older, say they want “something to do in their old age.” Questioned about the complaints, Moses claimed to be unaware of God’s plans. “He’s joked about adding in some stories between the tips. Well, I think he’s joking. What kind of name is Cain, anyway? Is his older brother named Novo or something?” joked Moses nervously. “Oh, wait, that won’t make any sense for a few thousand years.”

God has confirmed that there are indeed stories in Book. “I just hope the main message isn’t lost with the stories,” tells God. The main message, of course, being peace and love among all His creations. God has noted that elements may be lost in translation. “Book is written in schizophrenic visions and translated into Hebrew. There’s naturally going to be some screwups.” Book looks to be a story for the ages– find our review in the next issue.