Zimmer Wishes His Salary Were Paid In Gum

By Tyler Patterson

Oct. 23, 2014

University of Chicago President Robert Zimmer told reporters Thursday that while he remains “somewhat satisfied” with his compensation from the University of Chicago, he “fervently wishes” that he could be paid in chewing gum.

“I have tirelessly spent each and every cent of my paycheck on gum anyway,” explained Zimmer. “Indeed, the fundamental principle guiding my actions — as president of this university and otherwise — is to pursue relentlessly the goal of acquiring more Trident Layers Gum that I may rigorously chew at my leisure.”

“I only wish,” Zimmer continued, pausing briefly to blow a bubble, “that the Board of Trustees had the intellectual fortitude to compensate me with this gum, thereby fostering a more open and honest chewing environment. This can only be achieved, of course, by sustaining and enhancing said environment and doing away with the archaic notion of paying administrators in currency.”

The Shady Dealer’s investigative reporters have discovered concrete evidence that Zimmer’s proposal is gaining support from the Board of Trustees. One trustee, speaking off the record, said, “He used a lot of big words, so he must be right.”

Another member added, “At the dawn of the fourth moon Zimmer shall triumph again. His power shall rise like the tides of the Mediterranean and quash all mortals who dare question him.”

However, not everybody is in agreement. Third-year College student Oliver Crombad said, “I don’t understand where Zimmer gets off in asking to be paid in gum when we students have pleaded for ages to receive our financial aid checks in gum. This is just another example of the University prioritizing the every whim of the administration, while forgetting what this place is really about. Marx warned us that this would happen.”

The board is expected to vote on Zimmer’s proposal on December 15. Students are welcome to voice their opinion by either contacting the board or screaming into a pillow, depending on which course of action they believe to be most effective.