Future Senator Backstrokes through Pool of Vomit

By Clay Olsen

Nov. 18, 2014

Kappa Delta Chi pledge and future Senate Majority Whip Scott Carter was seen backstroking through an Olympic-sized pool of vomit early last Saturday morning, sources close to the situation report.

Carter was performing the vomit backstroke, an event whose record was most recently set by his older brother and trusted mentor Jay Carter, as part of an initiation ritual into the fraternity.

One fraternity brother not authorized to comment on the matter noted that “Scott’s really into all the networking benefits and shit you get from being in a frat. That’s in addition to crushing pussy and backstroking through a pool of other people’s vomit.”

A backstroke has been the standard stroke for the vomit swim since 1956, after several fraternity brothers suffered severe cases of “puke breath,” in addition to E. coli and gastric syphilis contracted while performing the front crawl. In this respect, Carter, as he has done for much of his life, is simply following in the footsteps of those before him.

After being ritualistically cleansed of the vomit, which is traditionally saved up over the course of the previous year, Carter will run through the halls of Alpha Delta Phi wearing “Fuck Feminism” board shorts and a bro tank with cut out sides — symbols of manhood since the time of the Ancient Greeks.

After pledging his new fraternity, making a few rape jokes, and majoring in Economics, Carter will go on to become a member of the United States Senate, one of the two legislative bodies of the United States of America. He will earn his seat in the 2034 elections in defeating incumbent Senator Derrick Carlson by six points, at which time his present malleability and lack of fortitude will have congealed into a legendarily tyrannical (but mercurial) temperament concealed by a healthy dose of old-boy charm.

The two hundred brothers whose vomit was used to fill the pool could not be reached for comment.

At press time, they were spotted doing shoulder presses at Ratner, the better to acquire delts worthy of a Kappa Delt man.