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Jan. 22, 2016
“CHICAGO, IL”—Oobserving the not-quite-bleak landscape in front of him, Mark Ackerman, a survivor of The Disaster, reported that life in the Territory—formerly known as the United States of America—is “not terrible.”
“Like, when people first started dying, it was sad,” said Ackerman.. “Then, I realized that things weren’t so great on Earth anyway. Like, I saw the Trump tower fall into the Chicago river. I feel kinda bad saying this, because there were still people in it at the time, but it was pretty awesome.”
Ackerman, a former employee of Wal–Mart, no longer reports to work, one of the many changes in his daily routine caused by the Disaster.
“Like, I don’t have a boss anymore,” stated Ackerman. “.I don’t get paid, but like, we don’t really have money anymore, anyway. I think it all burned, or something? Who knows. But like, I thought we’d be eating squirrels and stuff to survive. There’s still food around, though! Like, a lot of the good stuff from the Before Times is just lying around. We have Cheetos, Twinkies, Skittles… real food!”
Deborah Strong, mother of two, also reported that things are going surprisingly well.
“Honestly, there were plenty of people I wasn’t sad to see go,” remarked Strong.. “Like the former PTA president, Susan. Or any of the former PTA presidents, really. Now, there’s no more PTA, so that problem is solved.”
Strong noted also that her children were doing just fine in the remnants of the once thriving city.
“Kids are creative,” said Strong.. “They can amuse themselves with anything. The other day, they made a fort out of old train tracks. It was darling!”
The Territory seems to lack a formal government, though a council of seven men who call themselves The Elders claim to have “sole dominion over the Territory and all its inhabitants.” They reside in the solitary confines of the remains of a parking garage, which they claim was once City Hall. When asked to comment on the state of the Territory, one Elder responded: “The Outside is a terrifying place. The people are violent—even cannibalistic, no man trusting another. We do not venture Outside. The Outside is certain death.”
When asked to respond to this comment, both Ackerman and Strong replied, “not really.”
