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Nov. 15, 2016
Recent research conducted by scientists at the University of Chicago has confirmed that you would look really cool cruising around on a longboard. The researchers, whose work was recently published, told the Dealer that you would look “sick”, “awesome” and “basically chill as hell” if you purchased and regularly rode a longboard around campus.
“Every test we conducted indicated that you would look really fucking sick if you cruised around campus on a sweet-ass longboard” said Professor Steinberg, who led the project. “Our results also indicate that wearing a loose fitting beanie while riding your board would look pretty damn cool.”
The study went on to demonstrate that predict that riding a longboard would increase your coolness by as much as 46%, while your chillness and general radness could see gains of as much as 12.5% and 37% respectively. The study also found that getting a longboard with “a cool skull design on it or something” could increase these figures considerably.
“The results we published are honestly pretty conservative,” said Steinberg. “If you picked up a longboard and started riding it everywherecruising around campus, there’s really no telling exactly how fucking awesome you would look. Hell, if you threw on a bored expression while you cruised around, the gains would be quite frankly incalculable.”
Not all scientists have endorsed Steinberg’s result. David Chen, another professor in the department of Cruising Studies was quick to point out the potential risks involved with you buying a longboard.
“I agree that if you bought a longboard, your coolness, chillness, radness and sickness would generally increase,” said Chen. “But I think that Steinberg ignored the crucial Douchebag Factor whileen conducting his research. Getting into longboarding could increase your douchiness to unacceptable levels, as much as 40-50% above where they are now. I mean, let’s face it, your douchiness numbers are already pretty high to begin with; throwing agetting on a longboard into the mix could spell catastrophe for you.”
The study concluded by strongly encouraging you to “start cruising as hard as you can as soon as you can” and to “stop wasting your time walking around on your two feet like some sort of lame-ass idiot.” It’s final sentence reads: “Get out there on that longboard and finally become the chill motherfucker you were born to be.”
