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Dec. 8, 2016
I remember my first day in economics. The professor, who shall not be named for anonymity’s sake, went into his first lecture of the year beginning ,s. Starting with the claim that all of my classmates could agree with:h. everyone has a price. Being the good capitalists that we are, we continued along, but the idea didn’t quite sit with me. You see, I voted for Bernie Sanders, so listen… I know the economy. I read Marx- well, an essay on Marx, or probably some excerpt, or a or a quote, or something. I know the goddamn economy like the back of my hands. I have seized the means of production; I am the economy, trust me. That’s why, at first, I thought not everyone has a price, then I realized that I hadn’t found mine. You see, the bourgeoisie, being those who take interest in money or the economy at the large, are indeed lizards in suits that, stripping this market of what truly matters. They’ve stolen the pickles. I know that seems ridiculous, but listen, pickles are a key good in this market. The production of pickles includes literally every facet of the market. You need farmers to grow the proto-pickles, pickles which have yet to be pickles, the chemical industry, because I’m pretty sure pickle juice is a chemical or some biology-related shit (I don’t know,idk I’m an English lit major, fuck that science shit lololol). You need philosophy to determine the nature of pickles, and to understand that pickle-ism is way of thought, and, but most importantly, you need math to count the number of pickles you smuggle out of the factory to avoid giving your money to Wall Street.
You know, I’m a pickle expert and an anti-capitalist, but I have to admit my professor was right. Everyone does have a price, and mine is three pickles. I bet you’re wondering why I picked three pickles exactly. Well if you think about it, why not three? Three is the perfect number. It’s the number of the things in the Holy trinity of pickles: the proto-pickle, the jar, and the pickle juice. Hell, three is even divisible by three. The utility of three pickles is near endless. N: need to save yourself from a mountain lion attack? Throw one pickle in the lion’s mouth, and then use the second and third to beat the lion in submission. Pickles are also indispensable to my field of expertise. Philosophy would be nowhere without the advent of pickles. Plato even went so far as to argue that pickles were the highest form of all forms in the Symposium, discussing the merits of being the pickle (ερωμένος) or the pickler (εραστές). At the end of the day, thate capitalist swinecum that is of a professor was correct when he said . Eeveryone does have a price.… I ’m ashamed to admit it, but mine is three pickles. and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
