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March 2, 2017
On February 24th, the Trump administration denied The New York Times, CNN, Politico and other major news outlets access to a major White House press briefing. We at The Dealer were deeply concerned by this; the free and open press is a cornerstone of American democracy, and President Trump’s media ban strikes at the heart of one of our country’s founding principles. So, after giving the matter serious consideration, The Shady Dealer has decided to stand with our peer institutions and cease to attend all future White House press briefings.
Like any legitimate news outlet, we strive to stay apolitical. Our goal is to present you with clear, unbiased, informative news that you can use to make your own political and personal decisions. Taking an overt stand against President Trump was never our intention, but our hands have been forced. News organizations of all sizes must do whatever they can to oppose Trump’s attempts to dominate the press, and as multinational media giants, we feel an especially pressing need to do our part. By showing solidarity with similar elite outlets such as The New York Times and CNN, we intend to show President Trump that if you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us. We must show strong opposition from the bottom of the journalism world to the top, and, as you undoubtedly know, no publication embodies the top like The Chicago Shady Dealer.
“But how will we go on?” we hear you say. “I can’t live without The Dealer! It’s an integral and beloved cultural institution! Why, I remember reading The Dealer on my father’s knee as a child! It means too much for you to stop reporting!” We understand your concerns. We hope that the national outrage and fervor created by our decision will spur President Trump to revise his policies towards the media. In fact, we have full confidence that within hours of our publishing this statement, thousand upon thousands of wrathful Dealer devotees will descend on the White House and demand that these policies be altered under threat of violent rebellion. To that end, we at The Dealer heartily encourage you to procure whatever improvised weapons you can from your homes and exercise your right to free expression, if you know what we mean.
We would also like to remind writers that, although we will no longer be covering official press briefings, we will still be publishing a variety of quiz and listicle content. Stay tuned for upcoming releases “Which Friends Character Do You Secretly Want To Murder You?“ and “Five Things You Didn’t Know You Could Put In Your Ass.” We hope that readers will enjoy these new features and continue to read The Dealer as avidly as ever.
Dutifully Yours,
The Chicago Shady Dealer Editorial Board
