The Shady Dealer’s Top 10 Recommendations for Making Baseball Shorter in 2018

By Brian Baek

April 20, 2018

The 2018 Major League Baseball season officially kicked off earlier this April, and fans across the baseball spectrum already cannot wait for the games to be over.

From 2012 to 2017, the average length of a baseball game (18 half-innings) increased from 3 hours to 3 hours and 8 minutes. While this increase may not seem significant, adding 8 minutes across 2,430 regular season games contributed roughly 13.5 additional days to the season. To put that into perspective, Anthony Scaramucci only served 6 days as the White House communications director back in 2017 and Major League Baseball needs to account for the 2.25 Scaramuccis of baseball added to recent seasons. 

With the pace of games in the NBA and NFL steadily increasing, it would certainly behoove Major League Baseball to start making some changes of its own in order to catch up. So without further ado, here are the Shady Dealer’s top ten ways to make baseball games shorter in 2018:

Baseball, the game itself.

1.     Turn the pitcher’s mound into an anthill.

Keeps pitchers on their toes and reluctant to stall.

2.     Spin a wheel before each game to determine what inning to start the game at.

Instant win if it lands on the “Bonus” wedge!

3.     Eliminate the seventh inning stretch.

It is baseball, not choir practice.

4.     If the crowd attempts to perform “the wave,” end the game right there.

Fuck that celebration, waves kill dozens of sailors every summer.

5.     Place hidden mines in the outfield.

Can’t keep playing after a tragedy, right?

6.     Angels in the outfield.

Self-explanatory; great movie.

7.     Replace baseball bats with animal bats.

Much harder to hit with.

8.     Make baseballs out of vibranium.

Will go through any bat; imagine all the strikeouts.

9.     Tape Vuvuzelas under every chair in the stadium before each game.

Hopefully the game ends before you have to end yourself.

10.  Let fans throw things onto the field if innings go beyond 10 minutes.

Bobble-head and Margarita nights will become even more popular with attendees.