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Meteor Defense System Behind Schedule and Over Budget
By A T-rex Feb. 1, 2015 EARTH C. 65,000,000 BCE — I’m proud to say I’m a small-government kind of dino. Dinosaurs should be self-sufficient and self-reliant, that’s what I always say. Uncle…
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Sexiest Man Alive Also Only Man Alive
By Si Squires-Kasten Feb. 1, 2015 NEW YORK November 19, 2159 On Tuesday, Person (née People) Magazine awarded Juwan Murphy, the sole survivor of the nuclear holocaust of 2158, the title of “Sexiest…
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Did the Writers of the Constitution Mean for Us to Have “Sharp Sticks” and “Rocks”?
By Brogun the Younger Feb. 1, 2015 SUMERIA 5000 B.C.E. The men who wrote our constitution were wise and foresaw many ways that the government could seek to deprive our fellow citizens of…
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Point: Race No Longer Divides Us. Counterpoint: I Agree with the Jew
By Teddy Zamborsky Feb. 1, 2015 Point: Race No Longer Divides Us I, Paul Steinburg, am able to proclaim, in the year 2424, that race no longer divides us. I am happy to…
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Eight Helpful Tips for Couples Trying to Start a Family
By Evan Bernstein Feb. 1, 2015 BIRMINGHAM, 1898 – Children are miracles of life and they bring joy to the world. It’s no wonder they’re in such high demand. Everywhere you look it…
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This is the Loneliest I’ve Ever Felt
By A Particle, Ten Nanoseconds after the Big Bang Feb. 1, 2015 Breakups are hard. One moment you’re sitting comfortably in a singularity with the particles you love. And the next you’re cast…
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Crusaders Crucify Downside Old Gregorians
By Willamina Groething Feb. 1, 2015 WESTMALLE 8th of November in the Year of our Lord 1512 In what was termed a “demoralizing defeat,” the Belgian La-Cross team from the Abdij van Onze-Lieve-Vrouw…
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Man Drinks Milk of Another Creature
By Willamina Groething Feb. 1, 2015 5900 B.C.E. Sources confirmed Monday that Craig Mueller of Dærie, Northern Albijnea, drank the milk of his cow Buttercup early last week. Local authorities were alerted to…
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Strategic Reserves of Plastic Bags Under Sink Still Full
By Chris Deakin Feb. 1, 2015 In a statement released this morning, roommate Charles confirmed that the deep storehouse of grocery bags located under the kitchen sink is well-stocked and will remain so…
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Swedish Teens Not Very Excited About Swedish Beatles
By Chris Deakin Feb. 1, 2015 In what comes as surprising news for record executives and music critics alike, the young people of Sweden have not responded to the Swedish Beatles with the…
