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After Long Deliberation, America Chooses Greater of Two Evils
By Daniel Moattar Nov. 16, 2014 After long deliberation, informed consideration, and an even-keeled look at the issues, America has handed the reins over to the greater of two profound evils, polling organizations…
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“You Like This” Says Salad Eater to Self
By Becky Stoner Nov. 18, 2014 A quiet murmur was heard this Tuesday around 12:17 pm in Bartlett Dining Hall. “You like this,” said second-year May House resident and reluctant salad eater Zoe…
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Future Senator Backstrokes through Pool of Vomit
By Clay Olsen Nov. 18, 2014 Kappa Delta Chi pledge and future Senate Majority Whip Scott Carter was seen backstroking through an Olympic-sized pool of vomit early last Saturday morning, sources close to…
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News in Brief: October 30, 2014
By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 Marlon C. Lynch Reassures Students: Security Alert Will Be Sent Within 30 Days of First Ebola Death on Campus Marlon Lynch, Associate Vice President for Safety,…
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News in Brief: October 23, 2014
By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 “Student” “Government” “Earns” “Stipend” The “University” of “Chicago” “Student” “Government” “voted” Thursday to establish a “new” “executive” committee whose five “members” would be “granted” $1000 “stipends”…
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News in Brief: October 16, 2014
By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 President Zimmer Seeks Word to Describe the University’s Approach to Education Sources close to the Office of the President reported Friday that Robert J. Zimmer, in…
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News in Brief: October 9, 2014
By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 Free Condoms Removed from Campus as Part of New No Barriers Initiative Dean of Admissions James Nondorf announced Tuesday that, as part of the school’s new…
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News in Brief: November 13, 2014
By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 Times Editor Seeks Ways to Maintain National Interest in School Shooting Sources close to the paper reported Friday that New York Times editor Dean Baquet was…
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News in Brief: November 20, 2014
By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 20, 2014 Commander of UChicago Electronic Army to Undergo Micropenis Correction Surgery Sources confirm that the anonymous commander of the UChicago Electronic Army is preparing to undergo a…
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Uber Driver Crosses into Non-Delightful Racism
By Si Squires-Kasten Nov. 26, 2014 During a ride Thursday morning to Logan International Airport, Uber driver Travis Murphy moved without warning from lighthearted racial observations into what several sources confirms was “flat…
