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Whales Believe the Patriarchy Should Save Itself
By Mary Vansuch Feb. 20, 2014 Whales rallied throughout the ocean yesterday in protest against recent efforts on the part of ecologically sensitive sea mammals to “Save the Patriarchy.” Protesters wondered why the…
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Nondorf Appointed Director of UCMC Patient Admissions
By Alex Dunlap Feb. 20, 2014 James G. Nondorf, the Univeristy of Chicago’s Dean of College Admissions and Financial Aid, has been appointed the first Director of Patient Admissions for the University of…
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Rogue Stressbuster Won’t Stop Giving Backrubs
By Becky Stoner Feb. 22, 2014 “At Stressbusters, we’re all about the Wind-down Wednesdays. But this kid? He’s aggressively expanded into Tranquility Tuesdays, Moderation Mondays, Stressbuster Sundays, Stressbuster Saturdays, Feet-Up Fridays, and of…
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Tour Guide Lies
By Evan Bernstein Feb. 22, 2014 According to sources familiar with the matter, UChicago tour guide Eric Wilson unabashedly lied to a group of prospective undergraduates at 3:35 p.m. Central Standard Time last…
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Pope Declares Infanticide Only Legitimate Birth Control
By Matthew Goldenberg Feb. 22, 2014 In a speech Monday, Pope Francis decreed that infanticide is the only form of birth control that the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics are permitted to use. As…
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Boyer to Reopen Anatomy Department in His Basement
By Walker King Feb. 22, 2014 Speaking to members of the press yesterday,University Dean John Boyer announced that the University of Chicago would be reopening its anatomy department in the basement of Boyer’s…
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2 Chainz Objectifies God
By Drew Armstrong Feb. 22, 2014 With his most recent single, “Fallaish me Father 4 I have Sinned,” rapper 2Chainz gives missionary a whole new meaning. Tired of defaming women, the G.O.O.D. Music…
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Eyes Contact
By Evan Bernstein Feb. 22, 2014 Hark, dear reader, do you know the tale? ’Twas a bright late-winter morn when the sun’s light and the day’s break arose o’er the mountain’s top and…
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Students Fight to Save Summer Lynx
By Alex Dunlap Feb. 22, 2014 A group calling itself “Save the Summer Lynx” has raised concerns that changes in University policy may pose an “existential threat” to the future of the endangered…
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God to Take Matters into Own Hands
By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2014 Citing “grave misconduct,” “lack of accountability,” and “continually declining standards,” area deity God has committed to restoring direct oversight of Earth and surrounding areas beginning in fiscal…
