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Health Inspection Finds Humans in Cathey Dining Commons
By Alexander Dunlap May 23, 2013 CHICAGO—The Chicago Department of Public Rat Health has issued a “critical” violation to Arley D. Cathey Dining Commons upon discovering almost three hundred live humans in the…
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Good Thing Nearly Allowed to Happen
By Daniel Moattar May 23, 2013 WASHINGTON, CHICAGO, NEW YORK, LOS ANGELES, JOHANNESBURG, TOKYO, NEW DELHI, CAIRO, SHANGHAI, BUENOS AIRES, SAO PAULO, JERUSALEM, BEIRUT – A consistent pattern of global economic, social, and…
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UChicago Students Flock to “Bang At Anywhere Else”
By Chris Deakin May 27, 2013 Hundreds of students are signing up for newly opened social website “Bang At Anywhere Else.” Bangatanywhereelse.com offers University of Chicago students the opportunity to find willing “bang…
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New Delhi Opens on 55th Street
By Matthew Goldenberg May 27, 2013 As part of the University of Chicago’s effort to revitalize commercial activity in Hyde Park, several new restaurants and stores havebeen established along 53rd and 55th Streets…
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Dead Chicken Found in Dining Hall Sandwich
By Anna Newport May 27, 2013 Arley D. Cathey Dining Commons was officially closed Friday after a dead chicken was found in a lettuce and tomato sandwich. Although the fragment of fetid fowl…
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Immortal Nietzsche Pretty Hyped About Space Travel
By Zachary Augustine May 27, 2013 CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – Your favorite punk philosopher is “super pumped” to board the space shuttle, sources confirm. Nietzsche, best known for defeating God in a “fisticuffs…
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Crowd Awed by Slack Liner Dangling Inches From Ground
By James Ekstrom May 27, 2013 Last Wednesday began like any other spring day on the Quads. Frisbees were being thrown, classes were being conducted in the grass, and the sun’s rays were…
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Surprising Findings: UCMC Doctor Recommends Laughter as Best Medicine for Erectile Dysfunction
By Walker King May 27, 2013 University of Chicago Hospital urologist Dr. Travis Bartman publicized his latest paper today, telling reporters that laughter is truly the best medicine for patients suffering erectile dysfunction.Bartman…
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Open Forum on Accessibility To Be Held In Rockefeller Tower
By Stephen Lurie May 27, 2013 Following increased campus pressure for improved disability services, the University administration announced on Tuesday an open forum on campus accessibility issues, to be held in the tower…
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13 Monarch Butterflies Accidentally Attain American Citizenship
By Maya Handa May 27, 2013 Thirteen monarch butterflies accidentally completed the United States naturalization process yesterday, becoming full-fledged Americans bound to serve and protect the Constitution. The butterflies apparently believed they were…
