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“Fiscal” Cliff Threatens to Drive Economy into Recession
By Daniel Moattar Jan. 3, 2013 As the year-end deadline approaches, public ire and political acrimony over the United States’ “Fiscal Cliff” have approached a breaking point. “Leave me alone, you assholes,” said…
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How are you wasting your New Year’s Eve?
By Daniel Moattar Jan. 3, 2013 How are YOU wasting your New Year’s Eve? 21% Reconciling day’s debauchery with resolutions, image of self as human being 17% Pretending to have any…
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University of Chicago Compiles First Database of “Things That Are Not Sandwiches”
By Sam Spiegel Jan. 3, 2013 Marking a great stride forward for the advancement of the human race, researchers at the University of Chicago recently announced that they had finished compiling a database…
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Robots in Mansueto Actually Adjunct Professors with Head Claws
By Clay Olsen Jan. 3, 2013 In a development entirely consistent with the University of Chicago’s commitment to the “Life of the Head”, the book retrieval robots in Mansueto have been revealed, by…
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Wyoming pushed out to sea to make room for Puerto Rico
By Hannah Gitlin Jan. 3, 2013 After more than 800,000 Puerto Rican voters voiced support for the island to become the 51st U.S. state, United States lawmakers have determined that as it stands,…
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Top 8 People Who Are Not in the Illuminati of 2012
By Becky Stoner Jan. 3, 2013 Ke$ha: This pop artist/sex icon has managed to climb the pop charts with absolutely no help from any underground conspiracies. Sea Punks: How did these turquoise-haired, porpoise-tattooed,…
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University to Close South, Max P, Snitchcock, and Burton Judson
By Catherine Alvarez-McCurdy Jan. 3, 2013 Following the positive feedback the University received upon its announcement of plans to close and destroy Pierce Tower over the upcoming summer, the Housing Office has decided…
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University rolls out new Douchebag program to broaden mainstream appeal and seek diversity
By Robin Ye and Zach Augustine Jan. 3, 2013 In an effort to sustain the University’s historic increase in College admissions applications, administrators are working to add more programming, enhancing the Life of…
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State of the Union: Designated survivor dies of alcohol overdose
By Alexander Dunlap Jan. 3, 2013 UNDISCLOSED LOCATION – United States Secretary of Energy Steven Chu died at 10:38pm last night in an undisclosed hospital emergency room, according to a statement released by…
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Population of Canada composed solely of dissatisfied Americans
By James Ekstrom Jan. 7, 2013 Anthropologists and political scientists the world over were shocked, this past week, to discover that the population of Canada consists solely of American expatriates. Overturning previous assumptions…
