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College in Chaos After Every First Year Registers for Honors Analysis
By Mark Trietal Aug. 17, 2017 University officials are reporting overfull classrooms, teacher shortages, and general panic after finding that every member of the class of 2021 has registered for honors analysis. “At…
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First Year discovers “Life of the Mind” is no way of life, and only somewhat mind
By Claire Holland Aug. 17, 2017 When first year Abby Kincaid first stepped foot on campus, she knew it was home. “It was like, my whole life I had been too smart for…
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First Year Excited to be Surrounded by Diverse Group of Assholes
By Morgan Pantuck, 5th Year Student Aug. 17, 2017 Incoming first year Brian Porter is extremely excited to be attending a top-tier institution like the University of Chicago where he can “finally gain…
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Disappointing Dollar Shake Shatters First Year
By By Thomas Noriega Aug. 17, 2017 As everyone on campus knows, students can get milkshakes in Reynolds Club for a dollar every Wednesday. Newly-minted first year Daniella Heinz had heard all about…
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Why A Woman Needs to Have Her Own Study Spot
By Katie Zellner and Morgan Pantuck March 16, 2017 It’s an easy relationship trap to fall into: You’re busy, he’s busy. You basically only see each other at the Reg. Studying together is…
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University Introduces Live Bears to Campus in Crackdown on Safe Spaces
By Reed Thurston Aug. 17, 2017 After last year’s controversial memorandum on free speech, the university doubled-down on its commitment to intellectual free enterprise this week. Administrators revealed a new “curricular reinvigoration” project…
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Fun Burned in Effigy in Annual Ceremony
By Sam Hoffman Aug. 17, 2017 At the stroke of midnight on Friday, September 15, a select group of O-Aides, Dean Boyer, and 13 professors chosen by lottery met in the exact center…
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Letters from Home: It’s Grandpa. Do They Have Free Speech on Your Campus?
By Grandad (Sam Hoffman) Aug. 17, 2017 Hi Sweetie, this is Grandpa. I hope this letter finds you well, and I hope you’re not out there having too much fun! I hear a…
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Researchers Discover Dog Dreams Exactly The Same As Dog Reality
By Greer Baxter Aug. 18, 2017 In partnership with the University of Nome, scientists from UofChicago have recently concluded a series of canine sleep experiments, the results of which confirmed what many had…
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I Don’t Have to Prove My Non-Celiac Wheat Sensitivity to You Or Anyone Else
By Greer Baxter Aug. 18, 2017 Let me just say right here and now that I’m not taking any crap from anyone on this. No, I don’t have cCeliac disease (there, I said…
