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Everyone Around Me Kissing??
By Evan Bernstein Jan. 2, 2015 What?? Why?? I don’t understand!! We were all just standing around having a good time and then- what?? Everyone started kissing! Each other! With their mouths! They’re…
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Opinion: Aggressive pointing the best way to deal with other’s bullshit
By Dan’s Tough Dad Jan. 8, 2015 You’re all young people, right? Younger than me at least. Well, when I was young the world was different and everybody said what they meant and…
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You Are All Adopted
By Shady Dealer Editorial Board Jan. 10, 2015 At the moment we exit the womb, we enter into a pervasive societal delusion. The mothers who raise us and nurture us also claim to…
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French Politician “Relieved” Islamophobic Laws Were Worded Inoffensively
By Si Squires-Kasten Jan. 14, 2015 Following the January 7th attack on the offices of Charlie Hebdo, a French satirical magazine, Minister of the Interior Bernard Cazeneuve expressed “profound gratitude” that his country…
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Portland Trailblazers Trade $2 Million To Los Angeles Clippers For $3 Million
By Cub Reporter Jacob Levin Jan. 14, 2015 The NBA recently approved a trade between the Portland Trailblazers and the Los Angeles Clippers in which the Trailblazers will give $2 million to the…
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Why Two Dakotas?
By President Benjamin Harrison Jan. 24, 2015 WASHINGTON 1889 — In this historical moment, I, President Benjamin Harrison, have decided to cement my lasting legacy by adding two new states— North Dakota and…
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Why I Chose Not to Have a Headclaw Installed on My Child
By Editorial Bored Feb. 1, 2015 I’m a mother, and as a mother, I get the final say about anything related to my baby. I also get to opine about anything related to…
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Meteor Defense System Behind Schedule and Over Budget
By A T-rex Feb. 1, 2015 EARTH C. 65,000,000 BCE — I’m proud to say I’m a small-government kind of dino. Dinosaurs should be self-sufficient and self-reliant, that’s what I always say. Uncle…
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Sexiest Man Alive Also Only Man Alive
By Si Squires-Kasten Feb. 1, 2015 NEW YORK November 19, 2159 On Tuesday, Person (née People) Magazine awarded Juwan Murphy, the sole survivor of the nuclear holocaust of 2158, the title of “Sexiest…
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Did the Writers of the Constitution Mean for Us to Have “Sharp Sticks” and “Rocks”?
By Brogun the Younger Feb. 1, 2015 SUMERIA 5000 B.C.E. The men who wrote our constitution were wise and foresaw many ways that the government could seek to deprive our fellow citizens of…
