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Tweets from Holy Week
By Jesus Feb. 4, 2013 Jesus Christ @Jesus Just drinkin sum wyne wif mah crew. We rollin 13 deep #YOLO #getschwasted @God Judas @Judas Things were a bit awkward at dinner; hope Jesus…
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University of Chicago Compiles First Database of “Things That Are Not Sandwiches”
By Sam Spiegel Jan. 3, 2013 Marking a great stride forward for the advancement of the human race, researchers at the University of Chicago recently announced that they had finished compiling a database…
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Department of Safety and Security Call for Applications: Student Security Guard
By Tamer Barsbay Nov. 10, 2012 Collaborating with Career Advancement, the UCPD proudly announces a new security officer internship sponsored by the Metcalf program. The latest wave of crimes on campus has necessitated…
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Point: Obama is the Antichrist and a secret Muslim
By Walker King Oct. 21, 2012 For years, people have doubted me when I told themBarack Obama’s shocking secret: he is the Antichrist described in the Book of Revelations, a King of ancient…
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Jeff Bezos Wife Discovers Amazon Receipt for New “Alive Girl” Online
By Harry Weinstein Jan. 16, 2019 This past Sunday, Jeff Bezos’s wife of 25 years, MacKenzie, found something extra when she was checking the couple’s order backlog. “I was just scrolling through our Amazon orders,…
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Review: Eating an Entire Jar of Nutella in One Sitting
By Calpernia Higginbotham Dec. 5, 2018 You’ve done it. Everyone’s gone for the day—for classes, whatever that means. No one around, no one to bother you. You’ve got the apartment all to yourself.…
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Trump Summons Backup Collection of Balding White Men from White House Storage Cabinet After Sessions Resignation
By Kelly Tsing Sum Lo Nov. 7, 2018 Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a man described by friends as “the world’s least magical elf”, resigned earlier today in a move that marks…
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Satan Devises Business Fraternities Only to Realize They Are Already a Thing
By Sam Stephenson Oct. 26, 2018 On Wednesday afternoon, Satan, Prince of Darkness, was reportedly dismayed to find out that his newest creation, business fraternities, were already a thing. “I was sick of…
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Seven Places You MUST Barf This O-Week
By Deblina Mukherjee Sept. 24, 2018 Navigating the University’s historic campus can be hard, especially during the hustle and bustle of O-Week! To learn your way around, here are the seven places…
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Did This Article Just Pose a Rhetorical Question in Lieu of an Actual Headline?
By Reed Thurston May 25, 2018 Startling readers and baffling journalistic style guidelines everywhere, you won’t believe the answer you hear when we ask the hot-button question that’s on everyone’s mind: Did the headline of this…
