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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Mac Demarco Fan Explains, “Yeah, but My Frat Is Just Like the Anti-Frat”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury April 19, 2017 Mac Demarco fan explains, “yeah but my frat is just like the anti-frat” “So, I’m pledging now.” No one said anything, but Zeke could tell everyone at…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Sasha Obama Founds Kids Next Door

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Adam Lowinger March 24, 2017 Following the end of her father’s term as President, Natashia “Sasha” Obama has decided to dedicate her time to establishing the Kids Next Door (K.N.D.).  For those…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Betsy DeVos Cackles at Orphan Humbly Asking for More Gruel

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Feb. 7, 2017 Washington, D.C. – Shortly after her confirmation as President Trump’s Secretary of Educationeducation secretary, Betsy DeVos was seen cackling in the face of a small orphan as…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: I Was in the Pool!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By George Washington, 1789 Feb. 2, 2017 Look, I know my monument might be a little … underwhelming. Being the first president and all, I know you you guys probably expected the monument…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Rat Poison: Not Just for Cutting Cocaine!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Native Advertising Jan. 17, 2017 Seth Blattstein, a spokesman for SteptON, the world’s leading manufacturer of rat poison, has announced this Friday that, while he is aware that the main use of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Avoid Eye-Contact with Students Trying to Raise Money for Causes You Support

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury Dec. 29, 2016 How to Avoid Eye-Contact with Students Trying to Raise Money for Causes You Support Ever since Venmo ruined the “Sorry I Don’t Carry Cash” thing for everybody,–,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Visiting Professor Revealed to Be Swarm of Locusts in Tweed Suit

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Nov. 15, 2016 Student’s in Professor Walden’s History of Philosophy class were surprised to learn today that their visiting professor was in fact a swarm of locusts in a tweed…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How Can I Get My Roommate to Stop Masturbating to Christmas Music?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Marlin Figgins Nov. 12, 2016 It’s beginning a lot like Christmas, all over my dorm room’s floor… Every single time I come home from a long night of studying in the Reg,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Future Campus Architecture Plans Revealed

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Katie Zellner Oct. 14, 2016 Undisclosed members of the Maroon Key Society leaked Monday the administration’s future architecture plans to replace all dorms with ivory towers.   The correlation between the new…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Make Your Couple’s Costume Work Post-Breakup

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Adam Lowinger Oct. 11, 2016 Does the following apply to you? You’ve just had a tragic breakup with the person you thought would be the one, and now you’re stuck with your…

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Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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