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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Point: You’re Drunk, 21st Amendment

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By 18th Amendment, 1933 Feb. 5, 2017 P: 18th Ammendment: You’re Drunk Jesus Christ, 21st Amendment, you’re drunk. I told you that buying a handle of whiskey was a bad idea. How are…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Pierre Curie’s Wife Wins Nobel Prize in Chemistry

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres, Stockholm, 1911 Jan. 30, 2017 The wife of celebrated chemist Pierre Curie was awarded a Nobel Prize for her discovery of two elements: Polonium 209 and Radium 223. Though Pierre…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How Can I Be A Good Boy If the Concept of Good Is Arbitrary and Flawed

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Fidocles, the Dog Jan. 13, 2017 “Who’s a good boy?” my master asks me. In that moment, my mind is opened to all of the possibilities of goodness in our world. For…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Nose Goes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Cyrus Pacht Nov. 21, 2016 Wilhelm Schmendrick, who in the last local election had been appointed President of the Nose Party and had previously served two years as the Minister of Nasal…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Pardoned Presidential Turkey Protests for Right to Die

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 14, 2016 There’s nothing like the holiday season to remind you who your friends and family are and also to launch you into a deep, all-consuming depression. Luckily for…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    12 Things I got from Shower Sex and Only One of Them is Syphilis

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Marlin Figgins Oct. 19, 2016 1. Syphillis 2. A Bald Spot 3. Athlete’s Foot 4. Athlete’s Gooch 5. 4 Other Types of Fungus 6. A Surprisingly Dry Handjob 7. Very Slippery 8.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Uber Pool With Forty Clowns Surprisingly Comfortable

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson Oct. 12, 2016 I’ll be honest with you guys –. I didn’t mean to request a Pool. My finger slipped, and I didn’t notice until it was too late. But…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Letter From the Office of Admissions

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dean Nondorf Aug. 21, 2016 Dear incoming first-years, Welcome to the University of Chicago! We hope your journeys to Hyde Park were intellectually stimulating. You’ll need a clever anecdote to share with…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A Letter from the Editors

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matthew Goldenberg and Walker King Aug. 17, 2015 Dear Members of the UChicago Community, It’s with a heavy heart that we announce the return of the Chicago Shady Dealer for another year…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Late University Hieroglyph Researcher Leaves Extremely Confusing Will

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman May 14, 2016 After a 5-year-long struggle against prostate cancer, University of Chicago hieroglyphics expert Canute Erickson finally overcame his often lethal illness. However, he wasgot hit by a red…

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Read It and Weep

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  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
  • Apply for the Royal Internship
  • Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
  • “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting

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