Chicago Shady Dealer

Op-Ed: I Was in the Pool!

By George Washington, 1789
Feb. 2, 2017

Look, I know my monument might be a little … underwhelming. Being the first president and all, I know you you guys probably expected the monument to my that is to my cock to be huge. But lLet me tell you, my cockschlong is indeed monstrous. The problem is that I started posing for the photo just after getting out of the pool! How is that fair!? Who isn’t going to be a little shriveled up and limp after a refreshing ice water plunge? I know what you’re going to say: why didn’t I just wake my dick up? Give it a couple shakes and a jerk or two? I find this suggestion to be incredibly unpresidential. You want the president to be seen whacking off in public, you sick fuck? Yeah, if I had given it a couple whacks, I would’a been at full mast. You know a virile motherfucker like me is sporting a hefty 9 inch peckers cock. Oh, and it’s thicc too. Fuck, that bitch between my legs is thicc, bro. I got a THICC bitch between my legs. You wish you could get fucked by a bitch as thicc as this. This bitch is so thicc I cum milkshakes, dogdawgog. My dick thiccer than a Mack truck. That’s why they call me Bbig Tthicc, fuck that dick is thicc, Washington. They call me THICC BOI. Next time you want to square the fuck up and talk shit on my dick, you better be ready to take a shit on my dick, dude. You better be ready to shit on me and fucking fuck my wife. That’s right, I want you to fuck my wife because I’m a baby dick losercuck who can’t satisfy my wife. Please fuck my wife.