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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    South to Install New “Vibe-Based” Fire Alarms

    Emma Zamansky / November 4, 2024

    After two recent false alarms, Renee Granville-Grossman Residential Commons will be replacing all current motion-based fire alarms with new “vibe-based” models.

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago to Pay All Employees in Maroon Dollars

    Chase Teichholz / November 4, 2024

    In an attempt to reduce costs, the University of Chicago has taken a page from George Pullman’s book and will pay all faculty in Maroon dollars.

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Shortened Quarters

    Andrea Zhou / October 20, 2024

    Dear University of Chicago students and faculty members: We are pleased to inform you that, beginning in the 2025-2026 academic year, quarters will be shortened to 1 week of instruction and 1 week…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Practicals” and Other Words to Say at Your House Table So People Know You’re Cool

    Lena Birkholz / October 15, 2024

    Practicals: This apparently has something to do with the biz-econ major. Hopefully, people will think you’re a third year in disguise and not just stressed about getting into a club.

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago Announces Plans To Replace Campus Shuttles With Piggyback Rides

    Jacob Halabe / October 9, 2024

    In the proposed plan, President Alivasatos would mill around outside the Regenstein Library, waiting for students to hop on his back and ride him to their destination. “I’ll take you wherever you want…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Report: 2024-25 Not Your Year Either

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / October 8, 2024

    “We’ve run over the data, and we can conclusively state that this just isn’t going to be your year,” said Brian Smith, some guy. “Much as you might hope that this year is…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Guy at RSO Fair Uncomfortably Eager for You to Join His Club

    Jacob Halabe / October 6, 2024

    First-years at the fair agreed that a club which appeared too desperate for new members was not an attractive prospect. “Whenever I see a club that’s too welcoming, I assume that they’re all…

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  • Campus Life,  Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Of Course I Drank in High School” Says First-Year Attempting to Open Beer

    Jacob Halabe / October 1, 2024

    “Yeah, I drank a ton in high school,” Gibson said to a group that had gathered in the lounge, “I drank so much that vodka came out of my eyes. That’s a thing…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Hallowed Grounds Shift Composed of 2 People to Stand There and 1 Person to Work

    Justin Bilenker / April 5, 2024

    A scathing report from the Maroon recently revealed that 66% of Hallowed Grounds’ finances are dedicated to people that “don’t do much."

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Chicago Shady Dealer

    Uchicago Football Loses to Club Rugby

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 31, 2024

    UC Men’s Rugby managed to kick a field goal and win the game 3-0. A wide receiver, who wished to remain anonymous, blamed varsity football’s multitude of dropped passes on the fact that…

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Read It and Weep

  • Everyone’s Talking About the Price of Eggs, but What About the U.S. Trout Population?
  • Student Disgusted by “Horripilating” Decline of UChicago’s Intellectual Culture
  • UChicago Sends Melina Hale to Scope Out Northwestern for Potential Takeover
  • Phoenix AI to Stop Saying Key Words Like Bankruptcy or Debt
  • Five Caricature Artists to Befriend if You Want to Make it in This Town
  • Joe Rogan to Star as Catherine Earnshaw in New Wuthering Heights Adaptation
  • Elon Musk Announces New Ninja Branch of DOGE
  • America Withdraws Support for South Korea in Exchange for Golf Course in Pyongyang
  • Recent Study Shows Ominous Whistling in Hallway Growing Steadily Closer
  • Point: Your Argument Isn’t Supported in the Data/ Counterpoint: I Know So Many More Latin Phrases than You

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