In a startling upset, The Chicago Shady Dealer has called the 2024 Presidential Election for Green Party candidate Jill Stein.

Recent tactics to encourage voting from UChiVotes include cornering first-year students until they check their voting location, borrowing UCPD riot gear to force people into the Reynolds Club during early voting, and switching…

“So we’re going to torture people a little, really it’s not so bad, waterboarding or cigarettes or with the electrodes, things of that nature, you have–who do you have–Sleepy Joe, remember him? Lightly…

After two recent false alarms, Renee Granville-Grossman Residential Commons will be replacing all current motion-based fire alarms with new “vibe-based” models.

In an attempt to reduce costs, the University of Chicago has taken a page from George Pullman’s book and will pay all faculty in Maroon dollars.

Dear University of Chicago students and faculty members: We are pleased to inform you that, beginning in the 2025-2026 academic year, quarters will be shortened to 1 week of instruction and 1 week…

Practicals: This apparently has something to do with the biz-econ major. Hopefully, people will think you’re a third year in disguise and not just stressed about getting into a club.

In the proposed plan, President Alivasatos would mill around outside the Regenstein Library, waiting for students to hop on his back and ride him to their destination. “I’ll take you wherever you want…

“We’ve run over the data, and we can conclusively state that this just isn’t going to be your year,” said Brian Smith, some guy. “Much as you might hope that this year is…

First-years at the fair agreed that a club which appeared too desperate for new members was not an attractive prospect. “Whenever I see a club that’s too welcoming, I assume that they’re all…