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Report: 2024-25 Not Your Year Either
“We’ve run over the data, and we can conclusively state that this just isn’t going to be your year,” said Brian Smith, some guy. “Much as you might hope that this year is…
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Guy at RSO Fair Uncomfortably Eager for You to Join His Club
First-years at the fair agreed that a club which appeared too desperate for new members was not an attractive prospect. “Whenever I see a club that’s too welcoming, I assume that they’re all…
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“Of Course I Drank in High School” Says First-Year Attempting to Open Beer
“Yeah, I drank a ton in high school,” Gibson said to a group that had gathered in the lounge, “I drank so much that vodka came out of my eyes. That’s a thing…
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Hallowed Grounds Shift Composed of 2 People to Stand There and 1 Person to Work
A scathing report from the Maroon recently revealed that 66% of Hallowed Grounds’ finances are dedicated to people that “don’t do much."
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Uchicago Football Loses to Club Rugby
UC Men’s Rugby managed to kick a field goal and win the game 3-0. A wide receiver, who wished to remain anonymous, blamed varsity football’s multitude of dropped passes on the fact that…
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Acronym Majors on the Rise, New Report Says
Third-year Elena Cooperington agreed: “I told employers at job interviews that I was majoring in REES and SALC with minors in CMST, CRES and CEGU and they had the gall to question my…
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“Mountain” of Scratch Offs Found Under University Administration Offices
To find out what this could possibly mean, we arranged a video call with Robert Solis, financial analyst and University of Chicago alum. “They’re doing a good job of diversifying their assets. In…
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Midwave Radio Devastated at a Somehow Negative Listener Count
“It doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Midwave station director Katherine Perth, “There’s no glitch in our analytics software. Somehow, in real life, the opposite of 4 people are listening to our…
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UChicago Football Loses to Club Rugby
Will Tackleman, club rugby’s fourth-year captain, said, “Most of us have never played football before, but we thought this would be a good team-building event for the guys.”
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UChicago’s Most Eligible Bachelor Found to be “Escaped Specimen” From UChicago Medicine
The women of UChicago were in for a sexy surprise Thursday when “Dangred McPhee,” a human-like bird, escaped from his research enclosure.
