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Confused First-Year Found Doing Work in Coffee Shop
Several upperclassmen were shocked to witness a visibly confused first-year doing schoolwork in Hallowed Grounds.
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With New ‘Feudal Peasant Deal’, Mac Properties Begins Renting Barren Fields to UChicago Students
Mac Properties has recently announced its new Feudal Peasant Deal, allowing UChicago students to live out their dreams of being medieval farmers legally tethered to a patch of barren land.
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New Website Offers Bookings for North Apartments 15 Years in Advance!
On Tuesday, second-year bizcon students Bryan Johnson and Ryan Johnston launched their new website Futurismo, an advance booking system for apartments in Campus North.
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“You Should Write an Article about Bartlett Pizza,” Says My Friend Todd
The second-year Business Economics major insisted that an article on the pizza of Bartlett Dining Commons would captivate the readership of The Shady Dealer. “Dude, people would love that shit,” he explained.
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Wow! Guy in Your CIV Class Really Can’t Solve That Crossword
Last Wednesday, students in Jewish Civilizations II observed an anonymous second-year working on a crossword for what can only be described as an extraordinary amount of time.
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Uchicago Football Loses to Club Rugby
UC Men’s Rugby managed to kick a field goal and win the game 3-0. A wide receiver, who wished to remain anonymous, blamed varsity football’s multitude of dropped passes on the fact that…
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UChicago Gambling Club Wins Big
“It’s well known that 99% of gamblers quit right before they win big. $10,000 is quite big, but $10,000,000 is even bigger”, UChicago Gambling Club president, Adam Rouletteman, stated after the victory.
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Woodlawn to Require Students to Name 3 Brothers at the Front Desk
“Woodlawn Residential Commons is a place for students to feel welcome, and is often in very high demand for students to enter, especially on the weekends. We know our building is sought after…
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Reg to Be Painted Yellow in Honor of Corn
The plan will require 36 painters, 5 months, 4 million dollars, and will make the weird glass library from Divergent look like a seasonal vegetable. UChicago has recently faced many public accusations of…
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College Unveils New “Indecisive” Major
At long last, The University acknowledges these students, hears their soft-spoken, noncommittal cries, and answers with a major tailored to their majorlessness: The Indecisive Major.
