While cleaning out the couch in its house lounge Thursday, residents of Markovitz House were shocked to discover an object lodged between its cushions: a second, much-nicer couch.

Say, “Yeah Marx actually said that capitalism has torn the family apart. I guess I can relate to that,” and look over semi-wistfully.

“I can’t even, guys. This morning, I turned my stove all the way up. I’m such a pyro, you guys.”

“Look, I just fix their writing,” she said, “I’m not qualified to intervene here. Plus, they made it clear I wasn’t invited.”

The counselors will also advise career advisers on the advancement of their own careers, which university officials described as “kind of a lost cause”.

“We’re showing dominance, which is really important to us as RHs. We possess what the students desire."

When asked if he had ever written a weekly discussion post, Watercrest immediately ran out of the room.

“This opening is part of our new Kalven Report initiative to maintain neutrality and plausible deniability in all things.”

This comes after a long series of complaints given by recent employers that UChicago students just had “far too many morals”.

Reports have also shown her soliciting 6’8” tall men for “uppies.”