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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Arts & Culture,  Off-Campus Life

    “The More I See The Kendrick Lamar Halftime Show, The More I Like It!” Says My Aunt Laura

    Maisie Thompson / May 20, 2025

    The post featured a Facebook avatar of Laura doing two thumbs up with a cornfield in the background. Some have speculated that the cornfield is a nod to her hometown of Corn City. 

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Eric M. Heath Accidentally Sends Safety Email to Hyde Park Crooks, Ne’er-do-wells

    Maisie Thompson / May 19, 2025

    The message included a coded map to the location of the spare key to the administration building—guided by a limerick written by Former Dean John Boyer—and the fact that UChicago blue lights are…

    read more
  • Politics

    Trump Tells Obama He’s “Not Looking for Anything Serious” as Relationship Rumors Swirl

    Maisie Thompson / March 18, 2025

    At 2:02 am on January 11th, Instagram records show that an account linked to Obama liked a post made by Trump in 2011, before quickly un-liking the post seconds later.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Parent Fails Model Class

    Maisie Thompson / November 20, 2024

    “I did alright on the model quizzes, but the model final exam was just too hard,” said Brenlo. “I had been out at the model frats that weekend, then went to the model…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Sorry! Cool RSO Just One Friend Group That Hates You

    Maisie Thompson / November 13, 2024

    “Yeah, if you weren’t in Chenn House in Fall 2021, respectfully fuck right off,” said Charlie Collage, Chief Outreach Officer of the Maroon Scrapbooking Circle.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Naive First-Year Still Thinks He Will Have Same Academic Advisor All Four Years

    Maisie Thompson / October 16, 2024

    Pilvin first met his advisor, Justin Thum, just twenty minutes ago. “My advisor is so helpful,” says Pilvin, “He must have a great job with a lot of long-term prospects.”  Pilvin was not…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    REPORT: Botany Pond Reopens (Just Kidding)

    Maisie Thompson / October 12, 2024

    “You idiots think we’re done with this thing?” shouted Mosser, “Hell no, we haven’t even started on the waterslide system yet!”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    O-Week Ball Pit Surprisingly Fun

    Maisie Thompson / October 4, 2024

    The University describes the ball pit as “an epic mix of adventure, play, and adrenaline” that features friendly, familiar characters such as Batguy (no relation), Mikey Mouse (no relation), and Georg Wilhelm Friedrich…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    First-Year in SOSC Class Somehow Smarter Than Every Philosopher

    Maisie Thompson / October 3, 2024

    HARPER 124 –18-year-old Don Sumbons, a first-year from Indiana, is apparently smarter than every single philosopher that he read in his section of Power, Identity, Resistance.  Sumbons, who goes by “Donny Boy,” says…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Wow! Guy in Your CIV Class Really Can’t Solve That Crossword

    Maisie Thompson / April 1, 2024

    Last Wednesday, students in Jewish Civilizations II observed an anonymous second-year working on a crossword for what can only be described as an extraordinary amount of time.

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense
  • Non-political Maroon Article Gets View
  • OpenAI Unveils New Model of ChatGPT Capable of Developing Anxiety Disorders
  • Jason Momoa Rocks the Minecraft Movie, Brings in 2000% More Hot Moms than Predicted
  • Major League Baseball Removes Retired Number 42 After Trump Calls Out DEI Agenda
  • Study Finds Jesus’ Crucifixion Likely Hurt a Lot
  • UChicago Booth School of Business Suggests University Impose Tariffs on International Students
  • “The More I See The Kendrick Lamar Halftime Show, The More I Like It!” Says My Aunt Laura
  • Eric M. Heath Accidentally Sends Safety Email to Hyde Park Crooks, Ne’er-do-wells

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