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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Politics

    Trump Tells Obama He’s “Not Looking for Anything Serious” as Relationship Rumors Swirl

    Maisie Thompson / March 18, 2025

    At 2:02 am on January 11th, Instagram records show that an account linked to Obama liked a post made by Trump in 2011, before quickly un-liking the post seconds later.

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  • Campus Life

    UChicago Parent Fails Model Class

    Maisie Thompson / November 20, 2024

    “I did alright on the model quizzes, but the model final exam was just too hard,” said Brenlo. “I had been out at the model frats that weekend, then went to the model…

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  • Campus Life

    Sorry! Cool RSO Just One Friend Group That Hates You

    Maisie Thompson / November 13, 2024

    “Yeah, if you weren’t in Chenn House in Fall 2021, respectfully fuck right off,” said Charlie Collage, Chief Outreach Officer of the Maroon Scrapbooking Circle.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Naive First-Year Still Thinks He Will Have Same Academic Advisor All Four Years

    Maisie Thompson / October 16, 2024

    Pilvin first met his advisor, Justin Thum, just twenty minutes ago. “My advisor is so helpful,” says Pilvin, “He must have a great job with a lot of long-term prospects.”  Pilvin was not…

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  • Campus Life

    REPORT: Botany Pond Reopens (Just Kidding)

    Maisie Thompson / October 12, 2024

    “You idiots think we’re done with this thing?” shouted Mosser, “Hell no, we haven’t even started on the waterslide system yet!”

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  • Campus Life

    O-Week Ball Pit Surprisingly Fun

    Maisie Thompson / October 4, 2024

    The University describes the ball pit as “an epic mix of adventure, play, and adrenaline” that features friendly, familiar characters such as Batguy (no relation), Mikey Mouse (no relation), and Georg Wilhelm Friedrich…

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  • Campus Life

    First-Year in SOSC Class Somehow Smarter Than Every Philosopher

    Maisie Thompson / October 3, 2024

    HARPER 124 –18-year-old Don Sumbons, a first-year from Indiana, is apparently smarter than every single philosopher that he read in his section of Power, Identity, Resistance.  Sumbons, who goes by “Donny Boy,” says…

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  • Campus Life

    Wow! Guy in Your CIV Class Really Can’t Solve That Crossword

    Maisie Thompson / April 1, 2024

    Last Wednesday, students in Jewish Civilizations II observed an anonymous second-year working on a crossword for what can only be described as an extraordinary amount of time.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Study Finds Writing Workshop Feedback from Kyle “Unhelpful”

    Maisie Thompson / February 18, 2024

    A study conducted in Beginner’s Poetry Workshop has ultimately declared feedback from Kyle, a student in the Monday/Wednesday section, to be ineffective at improving the quality of the work of a fellow student,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago’s Most Eligible Bachelor Found to be “Escaped Specimen” From UChicago Medicine

    Maisie Thompson / December 7, 2023

    The women of UChicago were in for a sexy surprise Thursday when “Dangred McPhee,” a human-like bird, escaped from his research enclosure.

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • Donald Trump Comes Out as Serbian Nationalist, Returns Kosovo to Serbia within 15 Days
  • Everyone’s Talking About the Price of Eggs, but What About the U.S. Trout Population?
  • Student Disgusted by “Horripilating” Decline of UChicago’s Intellectual Culture
  • UChicago Sends Melina Hale to Scope Out Northwestern for Potential Takeover
  • Phoenix AI to Stop Saying Key Words Like Bankruptcy or Debt
  • Five Caricature Artists to Befriend if You Want to Make it in This Town
  • Joe Rogan to Star as Catherine Earnshaw in New Wuthering Heights Adaptation
  • Elon Musk Announces New Ninja Branch of DOGE
  • America Withdraws Support for South Korea in Exchange for Golf Course in Pyongyang
  • Recent Study Shows Ominous Whistling in Hallway Growing Steadily Closer

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