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UChicago Parent Fails Model Class
“I did alright on the model quizzes, but the model final exam was just too hard,” said Brenlo. “I had been out at the model frats that weekend, then went to the model…
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Sorry! Cool RSO Just One Friend Group That Hates You
“Yeah, if you weren’t in Chenn House in Fall 2021, respectfully fuck right off,” said Charlie Collage, Chief Outreach Officer of the Maroon Scrapbooking Circle.
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Naive First-Year Still Thinks He Will Have Same Academic Advisor All Four Years
Pilvin first met his advisor, Justin Thum, just twenty minutes ago. “My advisor is so helpful,” says Pilvin, “He must have a great job with a lot of long-term prospects.” Pilvin was not…
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REPORT: Botany Pond Reopens (Just Kidding)
“You idiots think we’re done with this thing?” shouted Mosser, “Hell no, we haven’t even started on the waterslide system yet!”
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O-Week Ball Pit Surprisingly Fun
The University describes the ball pit as “an epic mix of adventure, play, and adrenaline” that features friendly, familiar characters such as Batguy (no relation), Mikey Mouse (no relation), and Georg Wilhelm Friedrich…
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First-Year in SOSC Class Somehow Smarter Than Every Philosopher
HARPER 124 –18-year-old Don Sumbons, a first-year from Indiana, is apparently smarter than every single philosopher that he read in his section of Power, Identity, Resistance. Sumbons, who goes by “Donny Boy,” says…
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Wow! Guy in Your CIV Class Really Can’t Solve That Crossword
Last Wednesday, students in Jewish Civilizations II observed an anonymous second-year working on a crossword for what can only be described as an extraordinary amount of time.
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Study Finds Writing Workshop Feedback from Kyle “Unhelpful”
A study conducted in Beginner’s Poetry Workshop has ultimately declared feedback from Kyle, a student in the Monday/Wednesday section, to be ineffective at improving the quality of the work of a fellow student,…
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UChicago’s Most Eligible Bachelor Found to be “Escaped Specimen” From UChicago Medicine
The women of UChicago were in for a sexy surprise Thursday when “Dangred McPhee,” a human-like bird, escaped from his research enclosure.
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Study Finds Bite Magazine Not Edible
A new report from the Journal of the Human Dietary, found that UChicago’s most prominent culinary magazine is not edible. The study, published last Wednesday, used over 300 “community testers.” The experiment was…
