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Breaking News: North Resident Transferred to I-House
After a thorough psychological evaluation of the student, Housing & Residence Life approved the request.
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Breaking News! Human Clones Wreak Havoc
In a collaboration between the I Promise We’re Ethical and the Please Don’t Sue Us Research Centers, scientists have invented Legit, a machine that can perfectly clone a human.
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Point: Beware of the Zombie Apocalypse/ Counterpoint: Brainsssss
We at the Bureau of Undead Containment have recently received alerts of multiple sightings of “mushy grey-pink slush” in relatively isolated areas, which our scientists have confirmed are scattered brains.
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Shortened Quarters
Dear University of Chicago students and faculty members: We are pleased to inform you that, beginning in the 2025-2026 academic year, quarters will be shortened to 1 week of instruction and 1 week…
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Extra! Extra! Fresh RSO Ads Here!
#3: Light Bulbs Squad According to one of our investigators who managed to join this elite, secretive “Squad,” the members sit in a red circle surrounded by unlit light bulbs in a dark…
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Cardboard Cutouts to Replace Contestants in New, Alternative Beauty Pageant
Visionary Mark Knockoff has recently invented the newest, hottest form of beauty pageants: Cardboard Pageants. The new pageant is designed to challenge traditional notions of beauty, like the norm around not being made…
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Report: Human Nature Primarily Driven by Love, Not Fear
A recent study published by Dr. Sarah Whippoor has reached a fascinating conclusion: the human soul is controlled by love rather than fear.
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Dining Halls Offer Water Only As of Winter
The spokesperson for this committee asserted that “a healthy amount of hydrogen and oxygen atoms will enter the student’s stomach instead of the sugar they inhale all the time.” She asked us to…
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New Paid Internship Program Charges Students Instead of Paying Them
Overjoyed second-year student Tyler Dinheiro bragged, “It’s only $50 for a criminal law internship in Atlantis. Of course I accepted immediately.” This amount of money is, in fact, incredibly low; most paid internships…
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US Government Releases Saved Daylight
This measure sees the most support from the unaffected Alaskan population (732,673 people).
