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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Campus Life

    First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College

    Andrea Zhou / October 11, 2025

    If successful, he would defeat the current record held by Jack McSprint, an alumnus who graduated with the Class of 1994 in two and a half years with a Bachelor of Arts in…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500

    Andrea Zhou / October 6, 2025

    The Dealer is proud to announce its newest product: single-use light bulbs.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead

    Andrea Zhou / October 4, 2025

    We’re all college students. We’re perfectly aware that the BEEP BEEP BEEP of the fire alarm means “GET OUTSIDE YOU UTTER IMBECILE” or “FRED FORGOT TO ADD WATER TO THE MAC AND CHEESE…

    read more
  • Internships & Jobs & The Hard Reality of Modern Capitalism

    Apply for the Royal Internship

    Andrea Zhou / October 2, 2025

    Applicants must be at least 33% inbred.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Breaking News: North Resident Transferred to I-House

    Andrea Zhou / March 14, 2025

    After a thorough psychological evaluation of the student, Housing & Residence Life approved the request.

    read more
  • Scientific Excellence

    Breaking News! Human Clones Wreak Havoc

    Andrea Zhou / December 30, 2024

    In a collaboration between the I Promise We’re Ethical and the Please Don’t Sue Us Research Centers, scientists have invented Legit, a machine that can perfectly clone a human.

    read more
  • Off-Campus Life

    Point: Beware of the Zombie Apocalypse/ Counterpoint: Brainsssss

    Andrea Zhou / November 17, 2024

    We at the Bureau of Undead Containment have recently received alerts of multiple sightings of “mushy grey-pink slush” in relatively isolated areas, which our scientists have confirmed are scattered brains.

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Shortened Quarters

    Andrea Zhou / October 20, 2024

    Dear University of Chicago students and faculty members: We are pleased to inform you that, beginning in the 2025-2026 academic year, quarters will be shortened to 1 week of instruction and 1 week…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Extra! Extra! Fresh RSO Ads Here!

    Andrea Zhou / October 13, 2024

    #3: Light Bulbs Squad According to one of our investigators who managed to join this elite, secretive “Squad,” the members sit in a red circle surrounded by unlit light bulbs in a dark…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Cardboard Cutouts to Replace Contestants in New, Alternative Beauty Pageant

    Andrea Zhou / April 7, 2024

    Visionary Mark Knockoff has recently invented the newest, hottest form of beauty pageants: Cardboard Pageants. The new pageant is designed to challenge traditional notions of beauty, like the norm around not being made…

    read more
 Older Posts

Read It and Weep

  • First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
  • White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
  • Apply for the Royal Internship
  • Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
  • “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting
  • In Addition to Fluoridated Water

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