By Deb Mukherjee Oct. 17, 2017 Justin and Amanda: Justin and Amanda. Justin and Amanda. She’s four foot eight, he’s five foot ten, could we make it any more obvious that they’re incompatible?…

By Thomas Noriega Oct. 17, 2017 Early this morning, members of the university community were awoken by a loud explosion emanating from the Midway Plaisance. Upon looking out their respective windows and doorways,…

By Sam Hoffman Aug. 17, 2017 At the stroke of midnight on Friday, September 15, a select group of O-Aides, Dean Boyer, and 13 professors chosen by lottery met in the exact center…

By Greer Baxter May 14, 2017 Ok, That’s The Last Time I Date An Undecided Voter So I met this cute guy at a party, and he let it slip that he was…

By Thomas Noriega April 20, 2017 Student Naming Rights SoldBy Arley D. Cathey In an effort to defray mounting debts, the University announced that, effective immediately, the naming rights of all current students…

By Dan Lastres March 25, 2017 An internal memo leaked to the Chicago Shady Dealer by an anonymous White Hhouse insider staffers says that President Trump was “sent to bed early for misbehaving,”…

By Nico Aldape Feb. 23, 2017 Trump Administration Announces Executive Task Force on Inclusivity of the Gays, Illegals, and Blacks On Wednesday, Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced the development of an executive branch…

By 21st Amendment, 1933 Feb. 5, 2017 CP: 21st Ammendment: Nooo, You’re Drunk!! Pshhhh. Me, dDrunk? I’m not drunk! You’re drunk! If I’m sooo drunk, then how come you’re the one spinning in…

By Nik Varley Jan. 27, 2017 Mandel Hall – 9:30 P.M. Following reports of screams, chaos, and general unrest at Mandel Hall, eyewitnesses have confirmed that the sisters of Pi Beta Phi began…

By Antonia Salisbury Jan. 9, 2017 Modern life ishas been plagued by the pervasive misconception that we all understand how rechargeable batteries work. But we don’t. You don’t get it, I don’t get…