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An Open Letter To The Volcano That RUINED My Sweet Sixteen
By Milena Prossus, Pompeii 79 C.E. Feb. 6, 2017 Dear Mount Vesuvius, After gaining the courage I needed from my remaining friends and family, I finally feel comfortable saying this. You BROKE MY…
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Exclusive: The Negotiation Over the Wall
By Adam Lowinger Feb. 1, 2017 Of all of President Trump’s campaign promises, the most talked about is his proposed border wall with Mexico. However, Trump’s promise that Mexico will pay for the…
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Food And Drug Administration Issues Report Declaring “Both are Pretty Nice”
By Dan Lastres Jan. 17, 2017 On Tuesday, the FDA released its yearly report on the status of foods and drugs in America, concluding that “oOverall, both are pretty nice and we have…
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Everyone Has a Price. Mine Is Three Pickles.
By Marlin Figgins Dec. 8, 2016 I remember my first day in economics. The professor, who shall not be named for anonymity’s sake, went into his first lecture of the year beginning ,s.…
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OP-ED: Fuck, You’re Writing Another Paper About Carlos Santana, Aren’t You?
By Prof. David North Nov. 15, 2016 Dear Daniel, Look, Danny, I’m just as big of a fan of the 1970’s Mexican-American latin rock guitarist Carlos Santana as the next guy, but I’m…
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Kid Behind Me Won’t Stop Answering Rhetorical Questions in Class
By Jacob Johnson Nov. 8, 2016 “Why would anyone, for any reason, answer a rhetorical question? If you answered that question in your head just now, fuck you- you’re part of the problem.”…
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This Church is Loud Enough That You Can Probably Fart Without Anyone Noticing
By Nik Varley Oct. 14, 2016 Sources confirmed this morning there is enough ambient noise in St. Mary’s Episcopal church to mask the noise of the fart you are currently holding in. They…
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Quiz: Donald Trump Quote or Nickelback Lyric?
By Shira Eisenberg Oct. 10, 2016 Donald Trump Quote or Nickelback LyricSupporters of both problematic blonds are afraid to go public. by Shira Eisenberg 1. Let’s start off with an easy one: “When…
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Three Dead, Four Wounded in Deadly Political Correctness Attack
By Liam Coles Aug. 1, 2016 Philadelphia— The suicide bomber Justin Saeed ended up killing 3 and critically wounding 4 in what has been called a massive attack of political correctness. This Monday…
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First Year Was Fun, But Not as Fun as Space Mountain
By Nik Varley May 16, 2016 It feels like yesterday that my parents dropped me off into my new life at the University of Chicago. I remember being filled with nervous excitement that…
