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University Relaunches P.E. Requirement as “Theory of Sport” Lecture Series
By Nora Helfand Aug. 2, 2013 It has only been a year since UChicago waived its long-standing physical education requirement to the delight of many of its students. But if you ask eminent…
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13 Monarch Butterflies Accidentally Attain American Citizenship
By Maya Handa May 27, 2013 Thirteen monarch butterflies accidentally completed the United States naturalization process yesterday, becoming full-fledged Americans bound to serve and protect the Constitution. The butterflies apparently believed they were…
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US, Nato Invade Dining Hall for Oil, Weapons of Mass Destruction
By Ayesha Wadhawan April 25, 2013 The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has declared “inevitable” an invasion of University of Chicago dining halls, naming them a “primary threat to American security.” Senior U.S.…
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Freak Freshman Hasn’t Lined up Internships for Next Four Summers Yet
By Daniel Betancourt Feb. 24, 2013 Considered startlingly reckless by his peers and superiors, UChicago first-year Raymond Santos has completely failed to secure a job or internship for every summer of his college…
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Persons and Materials of Middling Importance in 1897
By Chris Deakin Feb. 4, 2013 H.W. Peckwell: Journeyman wood engraver for Scribner’s Magazine, principally of trains. The Curt Billy-Whale Lighthouse and Public House, on Shefhouzen Island Joseph Misen: invented the Beard Ellusifier,…
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Top 8 People Who Are Not in the Illuminati of 2012
By Becky Stoner Jan. 3, 2013 Ke$ha: This pop artist/sex icon has managed to climb the pop charts with absolutely no help from any underground conspiracies. Sea Punks: How did these turquoise-haired, porpoise-tattooed,…
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I Have Never Seen a Horse
By Jake Frisch Nov. 11, 2012 Its not like I dont know what they are, Im not an idiot. Ive just never seen a horse. No, not even a picture. People keep saying,…
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Brangenlina visits Chicago, adopts Broadview residents
By Nora Helfand Oct. 21, 2012 Hollywood power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie announced Sunday that they would be adopting a child from a remote locale: University of Chicagos Broadview residence hall.…
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I Look Bad in My Family’s Holiday Card and Other Shit I Hate About Winter
By Audrey Fromson Dec. 5, 2018 Apple’s portrait mode has made my mom into a monster. When my sisters and I are together, she whips out her phone and proceeds to take photos…
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Clueless First Year Finds Himself in Rural Kentucky after Boarding Shuttle Bus
By Sammy Elmasri and Will Jaffe Nov. 11, 2018 First-year Danny Fenton anticipated an expedited trip when he boarded the South Shuttle, but disaster struck as he mistakenly got off at its Kentucky…
