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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Creepy: Scientists Have Created a Marco Rubio with Sentience

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Feb. 18, 2016 Has science gone too far this time? Researchers in the Department of Computer Science at the University of Chicago have created a new model of Marco Rubio…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Government Launches Invasion of Iraq

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Clay Olsen Oct. 29, 2014 The University of Chicago will commence ground operations in the state of Iraq during the next two weeks, Student Government President Tyler “Tawny Lion” Kissinger announced yesterday…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Santa Looking to Split Uber from Midway

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Emily Feigenbaum Dec. 26, 2018 image via stuckattheairport.com After a long night of delivering Christmas presents to the bright-eyed children of the world, Santa Claus is heading back home to Hyde Park…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Senior Class Gift

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jack Hoff and Jill Ng Feb. 22, 2017 Dear Class of 2017, We know you’re all anxious to step over the threshold of college and into the bedroom of life, ready to…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Last UPS Delivery Man Gives in, Trades Shorts for Pants

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Willamina Groething Dec. 31, 2015 One Chicago UPS truck delivered more than mail this past Tuesday: the surprise of the week was brought to residents’ front doors when local UPS delivery man…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Man Rescues Pelican from Oil Spill: What Happens Next Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alex Foster April 20, 2014 Here at The Chicago Shady Dealer, a publication with a mission, we strive to pass on awesome stories about the stuff that matters. Well, we believe that…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Ghosts of Friedman, Stigler Moan in 4th Circle of Hell as Ominous Trumpet Announces Entry of New Damned Soul

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Tsing Sum Lo Oct. 26, 2018   Infernal sources from the 4th Circle of Hell report that the spirits of George J. Stigler and Milton Friedman let out soul-splitting moans from their…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Local Boy Enjoys Peeling Cheese More Than Eating It

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By David North Jan. 4, 2017 Local Hyde Park resident Jacob Levin causedvserious controversy recently when he was reportedly claimed to reported as havingenjoy peeling string cheese more than eating it. Avid cheese consumer…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Introvert Redefines Meaning of “Solo” Cup

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres Oct. 22, 2015 On Friday night, local introvert Tim Jericho took a major step forward for introverts everywhere when he poured himself a rum and lemonade in the comfort of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    95% of First Years Who Took Up Exercise Are Done With It

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mary Vansuch Nov. 9, 2013 “My exercise goal was to be able to run a ten-minute mile and lift twenty pounds. I actually ran 9:50 and lifted thirty yesterday, so I’m more…

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Read It and Weep

  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
  • New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist
  • Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds
  • Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor
  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense
  • Non-political Maroon Article Gets View
  • OpenAI Unveils New Model of ChatGPT Capable of Developing Anxiety Disorders

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