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UCPD Unveils New Patrol Zeppelin
By Thomas Noriega Feb. 20, 2018 In an effort to expand police coverage across the greater South Side, the University of Chicago Police Department has invested $12 million in a state-of-the-art patrol…
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3 Step DIY Cathey Face Mask
By David North Feb. 11, 2018 Why spend money on expensive face masks that leave your skin feeling dry and damaged or waste time in your busy college schedule going to a salon,…
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An Examination Of The University’s Newest Alternate Reality Game: B.S.
By Milena Pross Oct. 17, 2017 Upon arriving on campus this O-Week, first-year students were thrust into a magical fantasyland without their knowledge. Following years of planning, buckets of money, and countless tests…
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Growing Student Movement Demands University Divest from John D. Rockefeller’s Oil-Suffused Corpse
By Thomas Noriega Oct. 17, 2017 The previous week saw the first major demonstration by student action group, “Maroons Against Oil Corpse,”Corpse-Oil”, a new movement demanding that the university invest in renewable power…
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The Dos and Don’ts of Sorority Recruitment
By Chase Harrison and Yamini Nambimadom Aug. 22, 2017 It’s the moment every girl dreamed of since they were young: Sorority Recruitment at the University of Chicago! The moment when young co-eds have…
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Local Horse Festival Immediately Followed By Local Glue Festival
By Ryan Fleishman May 16, 2017 Local Horse Festival Immediately Followed By Local Glue Festival The Chicago Horse Festival, Aafter rocking the foundations of the city Chicago with their awesome celebration of and…
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Grounds of Being Proved Logically Inconsistent
By Thomas Noriega April 21, 2017 Grounds of Being Proved Logically InconsistentBy Thomas Noriega Earlier today, students were shocked and saddened to learn thatTragic news today as Grounds of Being, the popular cash-only…
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Mitch McConnell Announces No Further Bills Will Pass the Senate Until Funding for His Turtle Snacks Is Approved
By Christopher Walker April 10, 2017 Mitch McConnell announces no further bills will pass the senate until funding for his turtle snacks is approvedWASHINGTON D.C – Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell issued a…
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Message from the Editorial Board
By Nik Varley March 2, 2017 On February 24th, the Trump administration denied The New York Times, CNN, Politico and other major news outlets access to a major White House press briefing. We…
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There Are Missiles 90 Miles off the Shore of the US and Honestly I’m Kind of Turned On
By President John F. Kennedy, Washington DC 1962 Feb. 6, 2017 Today, our planet sits onat the verge of global nuclear meltdown. The USSR has placed an unknown number of warheads on the…
