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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Historical Issue

    JFK Gets Named After Famous Airport

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 23, 2024

    June 21, 1961 NEW YORK – On July 1st, 1948, the first flight flew out from JFK Airport. To express his appreciation for the renowned airport, our 35th president has officially changed his…

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  • Historical Issue

    Nepo Baby Alert! King’s Son Is Named New King

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 23, 2024

    “Everyone knows the Prince got where he is because of his dad,” said one peasant, who asked for anonymity lest he be arrested and hung upside down by his ankles in the town…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Dealer Investigates: Harper Elevator Actually Works, “Out-of-Order” Sign Revealed to be Performance Art

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 4, 2024

    An investigation recently conducted by both the Dealer and seven TAPS majors concluded that the east tower elevator in Harper actually works, and the “Out of Order” sign outside is an elaborate piece…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    With New ‘Feudal Peasant Deal’, Mac Properties Begins Renting Barren Fields to UChicago Students

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 3, 2024

    Mac Properties has recently announced its new Feudal Peasant Deal, allowing UChicago students to live out their dreams of being medieval farmers legally tethered to a patch of barren land.

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  • Campus Life,  Chicago Shady Dealer

    Uchicago Football Loses to Club Rugby

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 31, 2024

    UC Men’s Rugby managed to kick a field goal and win the game 3-0. A wide receiver, who wished to remain anonymous, blamed varsity football’s multitude of dropped passes on the fact that…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago Football Loses to Club Rugby

    Chicago Shady Dealer / January 7, 2024

    Will Tackleman, club rugby’s fourth-year captain, said, “Most of us have never played football before, but we thought this would be a good team-building event for the guys.” 

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  • Campus Life

    UCPD Arrests Peaceful Protesters: “The ‘Free Speech’ Thing Stops After 5:30”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / November 12, 2023

    This Thursday, UCPD arrested 25 students and two faculty members engaging in a peaceful sit-in inside Rosenwald. UChicago has long been a champion of free speech, except when it occurs after 5:30pm.  In…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First Year Really Wants You to Know She Also Got into Yale

    Chicago Shady Dealer / November 5, 2023

    The announcement, which takes place during an entirely unrelated conversation about Hum classes, sends ripples through the cafeteria. Some express shock that a person admitted to an elite university like Yale deigns to…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: You’re Doing Everything Wrong Already

    Chicago Shady Dealer / October 26, 2023

    Sure, you attended the RSO fair, but what are you doing standing there reading satirical articles? Whatever you think we said in the app, don’t forget that our real job is getting you…

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  • Campus Life

    Ranking RSOs Based on How Much Your Parents Approve

    Chicago Shady Dealer / October 17, 2023

    Kappa Theta Pi You told your parents you joined a frat, and they laughed. You go to your room and open up LeetCode. You’ll show them.

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Everyone’s Talking About the Price of Eggs, but What About the U.S. Trout Population?
  • Student Disgusted by “Horripilating” Decline of UChicago’s Intellectual Culture
  • UChicago Sends Melina Hale to Scope Out Northwestern for Potential Takeover
  • Phoenix AI to Stop Saying Key Words Like Bankruptcy or Debt
  • Five Caricature Artists to Befriend if You Want to Make it in This Town
  • Joe Rogan to Star as Catherine Earnshaw in New Wuthering Heights Adaptation
  • Elon Musk Announces New Ninja Branch of DOGE
  • America Withdraws Support for South Korea in Exchange for Golf Course in Pyongyang
  • Recent Study Shows Ominous Whistling in Hallway Growing Steadily Closer
  • Point: Your Argument Isn’t Supported in the Data/ Counterpoint: I Know So Many More Latin Phrases than You

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