His ribald and impudent manner has already provoked fierce backlash from audiences, who have branded him a “verminous disciple of Lucifer” and “Doctor Moreau’s most lamentable creation.”

WHO NEEDS EDUCATION WHEN WE HAVE NUKES AND A ROCKETSHIP TO THE MOON

“Well gosh darn it, I’m just about as pleased as punch,” a breathless, ruddy-cheeked Bush told reporters following the race. “I don’t even know if I’ll take the sack off. Maybe this will…

Although reports stated that Nixon “was whispering a lot” and “looked like he hadn’t slept in days,” it’s safe to say that his disheveled look is certainly doing things for us!

“Now that these dumb dogs are hogging all the truffles, I’m finished,” local boar Mario Roccaforte told the Dealer. “I had the sharpest snout of any porker this side of the Fiumi Uniti,…

“As soon as we capture Poland and return it to our rightful ownership, that will probably be the last of our offensives. Although Denmark and Norway are looking quite nice this time of…

Out of spite, I wish that the Donner party encounters mild difficulties in their travels.

While previous methods of managing pain during procedures have involved strapping patients to gurneys so they can’t run away, having them bite into chunks of willow bark, and showing patients drawings of themselves…

"1. Powder your nose: There’s nothing hotter than a woman with a really white, powdery nose."