Air Force Forms Task Force of Skydiving Spiders
In a briefing this Tuesday, the United States Air Force announced the formation of a new special unit composed solely of spiders trained to skydive. The Spiders Parachuting into Dangerous Regions Task Force, or SPIDR, aims to utilize the natural skydiving abilities of arachnids to conduct High-Altitude Low-Opening (HALO) jumps in military operations deemed too risky for human personnel.
Entomologists and arthropod rights experts across the nation decried the move, claiming that the redirection of spiders will cause a crisis in the at-home pest management business, the workforce of which has been historically dominated by spiders.
The lawyer Dan Bobbins has been a particularly vocal thread in the opposition web. “Can spiders even consent to engage in military operations?” Bobbins asked Air Force officials. “How do Air Force recruiters intend to ensure arachnid volunteers have engaged in informed consent?”
Advocates for spider militarization cite the high risk of at-home pest management, with arachnid exterminators facing potentially deadly hazards such as fly swatters and frightened children.
“Sure, some kind person will sometimes scoop ya into a cup and set you gently outside,” expert exterminator Legs McGee told the Dealer. “But nine times out of ten ya just get squashed. Makes my legs curl up just thinking about it.”
McGee has been in the extermination business for thirteen months and plans to volunteer for the unit as soon as applications open. “If I hafta to face mortal peril by existing, I’d prefer to face it in a way that’s objectively kinda badass.”
Katherine Reynolds
Katherine likes dogs.
