Huzzah! Progressive Parent Pledges to Merely Threaten Queer Kid Instead of Denouncing Them This Year
In one of the most heartwarming stories of the new year, a brave parent has taken a sharp progressive turn in his relations with his queer child. Jim Chucker, father of 17-year-old Jade, a non-binary high school student using they/them pronouns, decided to shed some of his instincts ingrained deep in his mind.
“You know, my son is quite the f*g”, Jim said. “I used to shower him with love and then he tries to humiliate me? Is that the ‘thank you’ for raising him? And then he’ll go on and get into women’s restrooms, harassing innocent women, while at the same time absolutely ruining them in sports?
“But, you know, new year, new me. I realized that I would probably have CPS called on me and potentially go to jail if I denounced that motherfucker. And I really don’t give a fuck if he becomes a guinea pig for Big Pharma. So, I decided to merely threaten him instead. Hopefully he finds the true path to Jesus.”
Needless to say, Jade was still viscerally disgusted at their father’s comments. While The Shady Dealer initially attempted to reach Jade for comment, the paper was informed that quoting them could be construed as promoting “gender ideology,” recently banned by an executive order.
As for Jim, it is unclear whether his behavior towards his child will change. However, he has celebrated his new decision by commenting on a minimum of seven Ben Garrison comic strips as of the time this article was written.
9 And on the seventh day, God read Janice Raymond and repented not, saying, "Verily, this woman builds better than she knows," and so promised an Empire to the transgendered.
10 And as a sign, He sent the Star of Paektu to anoint the Christ-as-Supreme-Leader, whose holy lineage would rule until the final days.
11 For it is written that the rapture shall begin when the substance named estrogen be first administered in Pyongyang, and I am but the prophet who shares this news of great salvation.
