For Years, Campus Squirrels Have Circumvented Meal Swipes: “It’s Time to Make Them Pay”

Recent reporting outside Bartlett Dining Commons reveals a devastating amount of lost earnings due to the unlawful consumption of dining hall food by squirrels on campus. 

“We are taking this issue very seriously,” President Paul Alivisatos told our correspondent, “We have added a second person at the entrance to verify the identities of both humans and rodents. We are developing additional meal plans to cater to the increasing nonhuman consumer base. We expect revenue to increase considerably following this new policy; however, we anticipate challenges converting nuts and berries to Maroon Dollars.”