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President Alivisatos Accused of Plagiarizing From the Periodic Table of Elements
Alivasatos is alleged to have submitted papers which contain nothing but basic information about chemical elements taken directly from the periodic table.
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Dining Halls Offer Water Only As of Winter
The spokesperson for this committee asserted that “a healthy amount of hydrogen and oxygen atoms will enter the student’s stomach instead of the sugar they inhale all the time.” She asked us to…
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UChicago Launches Skincare MLM to Make Up $239 Million Budget Deficit
Is the Chicago wind drying your skin? Could your pores get any larger? Are you plagued by stress breakouts because this school has no idea what a manageable workload is? Worry no more,…
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In New Cost-Saving Measure, UChicago Cuts Heat, Plumbing to Cobb
“We’ve resorted to digging pit bathrooms behind the counter,” Andi Brown, a barista at Cobb Café, reported, “It doesn’t smell because the cold has halted the decomposition process, so that’s neat.”
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Midwave Radio Devastated at a Somehow Negative Listener Count
“It doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Midwave station director Katherine Perth, “There’s no glitch in our analytics software. Somehow, in real life, the opposite of 4 people are listening to our…
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Non-Stem Majors Cheat in Weird Moon Class
Naturally, some acts of dishonesty were more reprehensible than others. One anonymous third-year who majors in East Asian Languages and Culture and lives in Room 312 in Flint house in Max P stated,…
