In New Cost-Saving Measure, UChicago Cuts Heat, Plumbing to Cobb

In the latest of a series of cost-cutting measures, UChicago administrators have announced that they will be discontinuing heating, plumbing, and other utilities to Cobb Hall.The university cited its $239 million budget deficit as cause for the cuts, which internal analysts have found is largely due to the prohibitive costs of keeping Cobb Hall livable for the hundreds of core classes and RSO meetings that take place in the lecture hall daily. 

These changes were announced at an invitation-only investor meeting. University officials cited a belief that the changes would not affect the undergraduate population as their reasoning for not notifying students. 

Jack Frost, a first-year taking his core HUM class in Cobb 110, has already made two visits to Student Health Services for frostbite and hypothermia in the week since the changes were implemented. 

“It’s unlivable,” Frost said, “I got 8 toes left after last week’s hypothermia fiasco.”

“We’ve resorted to digging pit bathrooms behind the counter,” Andi Brown, a barista at Cobb Café, reported, “It doesn’t smell because the cold has halted the decomposition process, so that’s neat.”

Chief Financial Officer Ivan Samstein declined to comment on the conditions reported by students but informed the Dealer that the recent cuts have already saved the university a quarter of the budget deficit. An insider within the office of the CFO reports that the success of the Cobb shutdown has led university officials to eye shutting down Swift’s HVAC systems next.